Saturday, March 26, 2016

"Dwelling in guilt is like living your life with an anchor tied to your ankles dragging you down."

No Kidding!!!  After reading this and the extending explanation of how we are conditioned to feel 'ok' with guilt, I reflected on how my day went.  I felt guilty thereby creating stagnation and a non-productive day.

I feel/felt guilty for what I ate, that I didn't exercise, that I didn't do yoga, that I haven't cleaned the house yet, that I didn't walk the dog, that I didn't ... hmmm I'm looking for more but is that really necessary.

So I now want to feel the opposition of that - guilt.  Perhaps acceptance that today was ok.  That today really needed to be a day of relaxation.  By golly the last three days were full days of packed activities.  So I don't clean up the house perfectly today - vacuuming is necessary as we have animals. Perhaps I'll treat my soul and get outside to mow the lawn.  That's physical activity and I'm productive and outside.  Yea - three birds with one stone.  Hmmph.

As much as I don't like that I ate a bit unhealthy today - I'm feeling uniquely fired up - it's coming from inside my soul.  I haven't recognized this before - though it may have always been there - but today I'm feeling it.  What is the direction; the meaning; - I suppose I should sit with it.  
 return; but did I ever leave. Everyday you are on my mind. Wondering how you are doing. Wondering what daily gems I am missing.
I was stuck for over two weeks. I had many excuses and each one failed. I fear of my truth. I'm scared to risk the feel "full love'. My head talks too much and too loud; I can't hear my heart. I was thinking too much and feeling too little. Today I feel the strong longing to my practice and 108 Day Pilgrim. I know this longing is not 'knowledge', this longing is love for myself. (uneasy)
I found comfort from a Tedx clip I viewed this morning (why we are not successful). And then a quote on a friend's FB page (... take off the masks ...). I can hear these - my heart opens.
Baby steps are challenging. I struggle with competing with myself ... If only I had ... (i repeated this to justify why I'm stuck). These words only do damage, they are not productive, they are stalemate words = keeps me stuck. And why does guilt have to surface. Uhg.
Moving forward ... I breath in deep love - and breath out what does not serve me. I move forward.
Much love to each of you - from my heart to yours. OM

passion vs interested - they are not the same thing!

stuck for over a week, many excuses, fears, guilt, ugh 
distracting myself with ‘chores’ better yet, let’s watch a few TEDx talks to motivate me.  the lest interested one spoke to my by surprise.  
what do I want … passion
but i make new excuses to fail.  I am afraid I’ll fail.  Logic tells me that failing is not possible when I follow my heart.  My heart is silent.  Or my mind is speaking louder than my heart that I cannot hear my heart.  
 maybe it’s because I feel guilty for falling off the schedule, and concern about anyone being disappointed in me.  I’m a grown woman and dislike that fine myself concern with disappointment.  Immature?  My fear had me.  I was thinking too much and feeling too little.  

And this ‘love thang’ is really really scary.  I long for it yet stop short from fully receiving.  Today I’m feeling it deep in my body, not just in my head like a piece of knowledge.  And I know this b/c my eyes tear up when I read on the Pilgrim FB the words I love you and now believe it.  I really believe it b/c I can now feel it. 

Trust or deep trust - scary stuff b/c of the risk but i’ll stay stuck if i don’t take the risk.  Then will my heart regret I didn’t take the risk?  

Unless … i pay attention to the signs … the tedx talk, the quote on fb, the day off to read and ‘feel’ posts by my sister’s of the pilgrim forum.  

baby steps are hard right now.  if only i had … There words hurt alot.  None productive - stale mate words - keep me stuck words - 

hear heart  just the difference of the letter t
I’m looking everywhere for reassurance but don’t find the conclusion to my search  

Let's find who I am

When we stop trying new approaches that are not true to who we are and look at what we already have; looking inwards in new ways; we come up with new views and beliefs of who we are truely.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

And then this ... luck ...

I think not!  The end of the paragraph below I highlighted what resonated with me.

New Moon is Wednesday, November 11th at 10:47AM MST

Dear Friends,

Watch for cranky irritation around any pressure you feel from others, yourself or your environment.
Take a moment around this new moon for yourself and focus on something that needs completion. Cranky energy can always be transformed into a fiery inspiration that fuels action. Be physically active today and do something physical that expands your space, clears something out and provides you with an opportunity to take action towards something you desire.



Written by Patricia Liles. Contact her at
Scorpio New Moon
Sun and Moon in Scorpio ~ 19ยบ
Wednesday, November 11, 10:47 AM Mountain Time
(November 11, 5:47 PM Greenwich Mean Time)
Scorpio New Moon aligns and awakens us to the cycle of the great Mysteries. Scorpio holds the power of the water element with its emotionally penetrating receptivity and capacity for depth and magnetism; it doesn’t get more feminine than this. The mysteries of birth, death, deep inner transformation, sexuality, and our power held in shadow as yet unconscious to us are all represented by this Scorpionic Moon. The magnificent forms of destruction and creation are Scorpio’s realm. At this new Moon, Mercury is conjunct the Sun and the Moon calling us to examine closely the information and media we are exposing ourselves to, how skillfully we are using our gifts of speech to communicate, how we are perceiving the world through our information-gathering senses. Now is a good time to focus on how our ego voices are communicating within our heads. Is there a tendency to sting yourself like the scorpion with critical self talk? Can you identify where you disempower yourself and others through your thinking and speaking? If you can root out these unconscious mechanisms, you will go a long way to letting more love and power flow through you.

A letter to my Father

I decided to write a letter to my father to release all the negative unhealthy debilitating ties he put upon me and I allowed to live within to this day.  After I wrote this letter.  I read it to my husband to validate to myself this is real.  Then we witnessed burning in the bbq kettle.  I was a little sad but still don't know why.  I was not mad or angry but definitely unattached to him.  I came to terms he did not contribute to my life but only continued to burden it as I allowed.  My father passed many years ago but this process was needed.  After this symbolic process a heavy feeling in my chest dropped lower in my torso.  Ah

Note:  I wrote this as raw as I could and did not proofread.  I did not want to make any changes to tone I had while writing this.

Dear Pops,

I’m writing this letter to you to say I accept the things you control over but did not change.  I accept that you did the best you can.  I accept that you did not know any different.  I accept that you were not willing to ‘share’ conversation.  I accept that you were insecure about who you are.  I accept your insecurities were nurtured and ‘taught’ to your children.  I accept that I lived under those insecurities all my life.  I accept that you made everything into a competition.  I accept that I in your eyes I would never win in fear you would look weak to me.  I accept your approach to disciplining me was cruel.  I accept that you did not explain why I was being disciplined and what I can learn from it.  I accept that perhaps you did not know ourself why you were disciplining me but you just knew you had to.  I accept that you didn’t stand on your own belief when I asked permission to do something; it was always ‘what would our Mom say?’.  I accept you feared Mom.  I accept that when Ken came into our life I was ignored and/or used to boost your ego.  I accept your hour long bathroom trips were crew to the family of 6 living in a one bathroom home.  I accept you never told me you loved me.  Not even on your deathbed.  I accept you thought you were the greatest at everything.  I accept you thought it was important to always tell me you had more friends than me; I could count mine on my hands and you didn’t have enough hands to count yours.  I accept that you did not trust me in ‘your’ garage.  I accept that I would sneak into the garage because you would not lend me an item I needed on my car or bicycle.  I accept that your pride held you back from maintaining full time year round employment; creating continuous years of monetary hardship on the family.  I accept that just getting by is enough.  I accept that you did not find the need to improve yourself, encourage me to improve myself, or contribute to the community without knowing you would be obtaining recognition for your effort.  I accept during a wedding reception you grabbed my breast.  And then denied it.  And again when I brought it up to discuss it.  Pig.
I accept that you did try to find love in yourself and you thought if you walk the effort it is the same.  I accept your attempt to tell me you love me but didn’t really mean it.  You were just scared to be alone.  I accept that you were a loner and was not interested in spending anytime with me that involved listening to my side of the conversation and I mean listen.  You had the time being home most of the time but did not participating in my athletic side of my childhood.  I accept you did watch any of my year round games or track meets for the three years I was at Southwood.  I accept that I was able to disconnect any hope, feelings, wish, wants, or connection with you when I trusted that I did all that I could do.  I accept that on your deathbed you could not look me in the eye.  I accept that you were ok with dying and leave all your physical and monetary responsibility onto your children.  I accept that I do not miss you as a person or soul.  I accept I can remember and only miss the earlier days at Fir Ave in the backyard garden.  I accept those were good times.  I accept that this letter will remove any connection with you on a spiritual level, guilty level, beliefs I unconsciously conjured up, and all the alike.  I let go of all that you put upon me.  I let go all my subconscious beliefs related to your parenting me.  I let go of you.  I let go of all the debilitating, degrading, and dismissing you even put upon me for so many years.  Good bye.  I wipe my hands clean of all of you.  I have no attachment.                11Nov15

But I want it NOW!

So I tell myself this just about every weekend and many week days ....  I tell myself that if I get it completed now it would soooo much easier.   Here is my aha from this afternoon ::

"I want it now because I’m stuck in my own muck. If I get it now I will be out of my muck, caught up, on time, … "
All morning I’ve been struggling with writing an email to my teacher to ask for help. I wanted to explain as briefly as possible the background but concern brief may not be enough. Here is the brief: I was raised in a competitive household. Not the physical one we all may be familiar with but a ‘mental-know it all’ competition. I was always trying to get it right. And if I did there was a reward; not monetary so to speak but certainly recognition. More often than not I didn’t get it right.
This afternoon I’m out planting spring bulbs and pruning the yard. The yard is overdue for pruning and cleanup but what the heck I’m outdoors and listening to wonderful uplifting music. Then the repeated self talk of such ... ‘if I only got out here last weekend and the weekend before there would be less to do this weekend.' Ah - I realize this self talk parallels my situation of feeling stuck. I stand up from gardening, and I realize I’ve been telling myself all my life that I’m never caught up, I’m always behind, I’ll never win.
This is self sabotage talk. And I’ve been competing with myself all this time. And on a subconscious and conscious level telling myself I’ll never get it right so why start OR start but why finish you won’t get it right. By now I’m looking around my yard, so much to accomplish and it will not happen today. And just like my life work and it won’t all be accomplished in a weeklong crash course (a set up to fail). So on paper I broke down my yard in sections and name each one by the touchstone (I have plenty of yard to do this). And like the touchstones, I’ll allow myself to do what I can and what comes to me. And think I won’t touch sections 8-12 till later. Ya Babe!
I’m glad I came to this myself instead of asking for help. Asking for help is no doubt good but this one was meant for me to figure out myself. And I believe that is why I couldn’t pull together an email to Britt.
My true inner voice is always talking to me to do amazing, beautiful, positive, enjoyable, fun, self care, giving, and loving things. I enjoy pondering with delight about the ideas but fear to act on them.
Can you relate? Insights?
Palms Together

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Softening:  make or become less hard; make or become less severe; undermine the resistance;

Ever wonder why the obvious of something isn't obvious?  I do and very often.  I often chuckle at the parallel confusion that if something so simple isn't obvious ... is it simple?  ... is it truly obvious?

Then I thought about the word softening a bit more - and honestly for many years.  My first awareness of the word was during my yoga training classes.  "soften your shoulders"  what!?!  "soften your hips"  how do you do that?  "soften the muscles around you eyes"  oh - that makes sense i can soften around my eyes, my lips, my jaw muscles.

But how about softening ones expectations on oneself.  Originally this post was about my Ah haa finding of softening during yoga poses.  The draft start of this post sat for a bit.  I come back to it to read what I wrote and it's going to take a new direction; just a little though.

What has been in the forefront of my life of late is menopause.  That's right - yes sirree - and i'm not liking it - not at the moment.  I say my first signs over a year ago - night sweats and periodic irregular periods.  I took herbal supplements and adjusted my diet.  All was going pretty well for the time being.

About 5 months ago I was noticing a few more night sweats a week, hot flashes during the afternoon, and insomnia.  About 2 months ago I am feeling depressed and fatigued.  The past month the periods were twice and doubled in length.  Now I am comfortable and can deal with the night sweats, a little insomnia, and hot flashes.  The depression and fatigue is really taking a cruel toll on me.

The past month my mood swings from being happy and content to so sad that I feel lonely.  And the fatigue is consistent that it take great effort to make it through the day.  On my day's off all I want to do is sleep; and I trust that's the combo depression and fatigue.  But I don't because I would feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.  Oh, and let me add that crying is part of the depression roller coaster.

I just can't take this for the next 5-7 years.  How do women feel like going forth for so long in this state?  I don't want to be that or do that or live that .... so today I added another herbal supplement today.  Being it's an herbal it will take 7-21 days before it's fully effective.

The other frustrating sensation I'm experiencing with the depression is I feel like a failure.  Crap!

So why this long explanation about my menopause when the title of this post is Softening?  Well, when I was sitting on my living room floor staring out the window and crying because i was feeling like i won't be able to accomplish anything in this state, let along keep or make friends - out of nowhere the word softening came to me.  And that's when I thought that I can be kinder to myself (though I don't know who self is these days - at least that's what it's feeling like).

When my mood upswings I'll want to think about being kind to myself and soften the words I have about myself - to myself - and for myself.  This will be challenging approach for me as I'm such a hard critic of myself.  If it's come down to being menopause to change that critic - so be it.

Just writing this post is the approach i want to take though i'm in tears right now.   The tears are often uncontrollably by the way.  - interesting, eh?


Monday, May 2, 2011


Either when he leaves for the day or leaves the room for a workout upstairs - my first reaction is 'what is it i'm going to sneak to eat?'
i hate it but i also like the 'control' i feel i have.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


why is it so hard to accept the fact that i can treat myself kindly and not feel guilty?

for a basic start; here are a few things i would enjoy doing on a daily basis:
yoga at home
eating very well
drinking more tea
play my ukulele

and on a weekly basis:
home facials
hooking up with a girlfriend
yoga classes
hooking up with friends

yet - i avoid it by sitting at the computer, eating junk food, watching tv, attending to non-essential items around the house.

and since the menopause - it's even harder to get motivated.  yet, my mind is daydreaming about all the above activities i'd like to do.

and is it really true i don't do them because i don't feel i deserve it or i am  uncomfortable with the wonderful post sensations?  seem logically silly doesn't it.  but it's a nasty conditioning that i've adopted.  yay!

i don't know ... but i do know that i'm going to get to the bottom of this and begin writing about it.  and i'll share with you now ... this blog is not written by a professional writer by any means.  my grammar and spelling can be awful to those you require proper English writing.

so it just goes to show - that writing about it gets 'it out there' and now i'm motivated to give the P90 a try.  off i go - i heard it will kick my butt.  i certainly hope so and maybe some of this depression too.

palms together for a happier world

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the ah ha

sink deeper = into my soul and not so much into my pose on a physical sense.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Who's There?

Ever wonder who's watching you? I really mean the question. I often wonder if someone is watching me walk down the street, driving my car, shopping, and such. It's not a self-centered thought by all means. It's more of a wonder if someone is watching me, people watching, I do enjoy the pass time myself.

We went hiking this past weekend at a near by park. The park is large, in fact it's the largest city park in the nation. As we were hiking through the depths of the lush woods I couldn't stop wondering if someone was watching us.

Last month I read a memoir, "My Abandonment". It's an intriguing read if you are inclined to get a different perspective of the homeless. It was sad in some parts of the story; but what kept me turning the pages was the simple survival the father and daughter took to be success with (or depending how you look at it - against) the societal standards of living. I was also caught up in the 'freedom' the daughter had living away from the chaos of living in the city.

We got off the fire road and hike the trails that are less travelled this time of year because of the 3" muck that is required to sporadically traverse through on these side but marked trails. As we hiked a long I was looking deep into the woods, the ferns, trees, and moss covered rocks for any evidence of "homes" build by the folks who choose to live in the park. All the knowing that I probably won't be able to spot one with my naked eye, let alone while I'm walking along a trail that required me to look down for sure footing. But I found the search exciting and bring back the read that I enjoyed so much.

And then there it was - for at least that what my imagination wanted to believe - bare foot prints in the mud. Chris saw them too. My practical side suggested that the imprint is probably from those new running shoes that are shaped like a bare foot. But you know by now I was going into the story and wondering if it was a teenager or adult foot print. When did they come onto the trail? Where were they going? Will I see them come up the trail? What would I do if I did? It was an exciting 10 minutes or so. I kept looking and looking for clues but knew that I probably wouldn't find much due to the weather and the precautionary measures the folks take to leave no trace.

And then this hike, this 120 minute experience, took me to myself. What do I do too escape the city chaos? Where is my freedom - and the obvious one that American have - but freedom from expectations i put upon myself that lead me to a stall because i don't know where to begin due to the vast of the task. Then i begun asking myself if I'm looking for an escape? Is that how I view the families in the park - escaping the chaos, system, responsibilities, self, etc. I do believe some of the folks in such the situation did not choose it but is surviving until they can turn 'it' around. But do they believe in the system that isn't always there for us. Pondering thoughts.

I'm listening to music while writing this and I would miss listening to music if my life turns to living in a park or streets.

I have shared with only a few folks in my life that I could trust and wouldn't laugh at me but understands my heart - I daydream how I would take in a homeless person to help and assist them with turning their life around. (not going to happen b/c it freaks my husband when i even 'chat' about it) one person at a time - but then my intuition asks me - how would you know who to trust, which person really wants the transformation and improve their life? volunteering is a good way to go with this idea - safer for me -

this is a rambling day for certain.

I am grateful for our little abode and how we gradually simplify our life to our day to day living. Less stuff - less to worry - less to handle physically and mentally - less clutter - more quality - more time - more room - more abundance - more freedom.

ah - freedom; the word freedom rose from thinking.  perhaps i will find it before i know it.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2011 Begins

It's January 4th and I'm sitting here at 12noon, still in my pj's and need to admit - pouting a bit. I'm feel the pull of the seasonal depression. i'm so familiar with this and i sit with it all the while looking online for the 'quick fix' to loss 10 pounds. it's very silly behavior and i've been here before - but this i'm not fooled into signing up because i know in my hearts of hearts i can loss the 10 pounds with the knowledge i've collected over the last three years. also, i need to take the credit of this for my own self happiness.
so, i've come to terms that I've gained 10 pounds in the last month; and i feel a bit shamed I let myself go - eating the foods that taste so delicious yet not kind to my body or soul.
and the trick that my mind is playing on me now is it's telling me i'll be depriving myself when i go back to my healthy lifestyle of before. my ego really knows how to f#$& with me.

so after i wasted much of my morning surfing the net for the 'quick fix', i posted on facebook if anyone wants to join me; not much in the sense of interest. so i feel further alone. whaaay!

i do know what to do yet i struggle to get my tuckess in gear - why do i fear the 'good for me' when i'm alone? i have guilt when i do anything for me - but never when i clean house, work on the house, or run errands. and here lies the culprit of the sadness, i guess.

this year my word that came to me on new years morning was health. ironic, eh?
i shared with my love of my life that i would like to achieve comfort with doing what 'i' like to do with the affirmation of others. but with hopes others would be inclined to join me. i fear of being alone i guess - more than i'm. hence, why i posted to f.b., and why i get envious when my friend is teaching classes i would like to but haven't b/c of the fear of created, the shame i came to believe b/c i let so much time pass - now it's 'too late'. sounds silly in my head and even sillier on the screen.

just back from a 30 min, walk/jog with my dog, Zuzu. and i was originally going to delete the above but decided to share what getting out and 'clearing my head' can do to me. i'm in a better spirits. during my walk/run i heard a few of my favorite women reminding me; mom - exercise is your therapy, your anti-depression medication. rebecca - you know your stuff - get out there and find someone to join you; i'd be there right now if i could. and a few others that i know would say: you are being so hard on yourself - sounds like a bad day-only today. another: where are you on your cycle?

they are all so true and currently equal. so i take my mood, wait, i took my mood - ran some of it off, and reduced the sadness; found the heart of the day and will do what i can with the remaining time. and i will complete what is important to me - not the silly society expectations i created upon myself today - and be done with it.

thank you dear spirit for leading me. and i thank myself for listening.

tomorrow i'll share more on my sights for this year.

in light and love

Friday, December 31, 2010

Be...longing to 2010

closing out the year ...
started the year with the word 'trust'
that brought me time to:
seeked guidance
sat alot
ate less
slowed down more
took more breaks
worked hard
rested hard
trusted more
believed in myself
reduced judgement on self and others

just by chance i ended my year reading "My Abandonment" (but i keep inadvertently referring to the The Abundance)
simple safe life, time to feel life that is apparently around us yet we don't stop long enough to absorb it's entire quality, and quantity for that matter- it's worth it; we owe it to ourselves.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day Four of the Deux

Ok - this today is an awaking in many ways.
I woke again feeling light in thought as well as a whole person. I also appreciated how my body rested so well last night in 7.5 hours of sleep. I laid in bed with my sweets for about an hour, listening to him sleep, thinking of life, smiling at the little noise my cat makes when she dreams, and truly enjoying the delight of the early morning under the covers.

My husband is getting ready for work and I enjoy preparing his breakfast, snacks, and lunch for his day. We chatted about experimenting making falafels for dinner tonight. A new dish that this detox program invites us to try. Yay! It sounds good and it may become a keeper like the Kheer has become. Oh how I like discovering yummy foods that I really enjoy eating and appreciate the high health value it holds.

I have a good day planned filled with a few errands, house hold chores, and a visit to a dear friend and her 12 day old son. I hope to get some cooking completed for the rest of the week's detox as well.

I've lost 5 pounds since last wednesday - i don't feel light in weight but the lightness is felt in my skin. I keep touching my face, arms, and hands and the sensation is smooth and soft. one of my goals from this cleanse is to get below 150 pounds knowing i'll creep up when return to my regular diet. I want to maintain 148-150 pounds. I have an overall healthier feel about myself when I'm at that weight.

I'll check in later ...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day Three of the Deux

I had an awesome nights sleep! Woo HOO.
And i woke feeling light and clear. I was hungry but it didn't feel any different than my typical mornings. I drank my lemon water, water, and tea before i left for work.
At work I drank my smoothie (pumpkin, 1/2 banana, rice milk, rice protein powder, & ). About 60 minutes later I was hungry so I ate my 1 cup of Kheer over a 15 minute period. Followed by water and tea.
I experienced through out the morning a strong taste of metal on my tongue. I was relating it to a really bad bad case of morning breath. When I drank water or tea, the sensation subsided for a short bit, but returned again. Upon my reading, this is one of the effects of the cleanse. I have to remind myself the cleans happens via my all areas of the mouth, my skin, hair, urine, and bowels.

Lunch was tomato soup, two small sweet potatoes, 1/2 cup greens and ~ 1/3 pear.

When I got home I ate 1 serving of soy chips, glass of lemon water, water, and tea. Felt good so I worked on moving our pile of broken up concrete steps; alternating with raking leaves so I don't over work my shoulder and lower back. I was a bit surprised that I was tired after 45 mins; but had to keep in mind I commuted twice today, moved concrete, while cleansing. SO!

Made a pot of miso soup for dinner; it's such a hardy soup after I added mushrooms and shredded broccoli, carrots, and cabbage. Next time I'll experiment with adding tofu.

Had a sweet tooth so I ate a few strawberries and drank peppermint tea. I was delighted how easily that satisfied my craving - noting too the craving was also most likely driven by habits.

Became very fatigued around 7:45pm. I'll try to add more protein into my day tomorrow to see if that will help carry me through at least 9pm. ;-)

A good third day and grateful I'm doing this cleanse, and tickled my love is riding along with me.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Testing my moble blogger

Day Two of the Deux

Feeling pretty good considering how hungry I am. I slept so well and woke up with a feeling of lightness and clean. I'm noting I have a slight headache and my sinuses are a bit stuffed up.

But today I'm going to stay active with light activities: vacuum the house, tidy around the house, purge some old clothes from the closets and dresser, shop for this weeks food, the recommended shower hydrotherapy, read, visit a friend, and nap. I remembered from my last detox that I stayed active on my second day and I was distracted with how hungry I felt.

Today also marks an unusual day. Cyclocross season is here and today's race takes place at Barton Park. The same race location that Lou fell ill at our feet last year. He passed 9 hrs later. His anniversary of his passing is this Tuesday, 16th. It will be a bit emotional today - I will honor this with an open heart.

Adding to my emotional testing is i started my menstrual cycle yesterday and the discomfort is teasing me a little as well. BTW: the Deux wasn't about emotions but that my husband and I are doing the detox together.

But - I'm rising up to the challenge and feeling stronger each moment I stick with the plan. And role modeling for my husband is added support for my motivation to complete this 7 day detox.

The teas I've been drinking are lovely with their own natural flavor not needed cream or sweetener that I typically add to my teas. I'm drinking the EveryDay Detox for it's flavor and the liver benefits. You can find the tea at many stores that have a health food section or typically carry 'healthier' foods. Here's a link in case: .

I have also noticing I am looking for or eating food when I enter the kitchen. I feel the immediate pull to food when I go in to make my tea, water, or lemon water. Of course I question the behavior with; is it because it's a habit I've developed or is it because I'm craving food to eat?

Off to my day - xo

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Detox times Duex

Elevens months ago I completed my first detox; an experience I haven't regretted since. And I adopted a new eating lifestyle that has proven me time and time again how essentially true "you are what you eat".

Today my husband and I started a 7 day detox. This is his first, my second. And even though it's not easy, today was alot easier in ways for me and not so much for him. And since I blogged my first detox (Jan. 10) I went back and read about my experiences. Those entries gave me encouragement to stick with this; because there is a reason why I wanted to do it again. right!?!

Today was pretty much the same as Day One but less anxious and I feel more relaxed. Don't get me wrong, I was hungry many times of the day. Hunger pings were strong but I remembered from my last detox they only lasted about 15 minutes. That's when I get a little active around the house to distract myself from the pings. But a couple of times I thought I was smelling food coming from the heater vents; once it was the smell of toast. Oh how the mind plays on ya.

It's almost bedtime and I'm looking forward to the escape of today's challenge. Tomorrow I will become more active particularly since I'm already feeling antsy from not doing too much today. And Chris and I will plan our meals for the remaining 5 days; so I hope that helps him feel optimistic. :)

OK - I'm off to another hot/cold hydrotherapy shower and then to bed.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Just in time ...

... as nature plans.

A compassionate attitude opens our inner door, and as a result it is much easier to communicate with others. If there is too much self-centered attitude, then fear, doubt and suspicion come and as a result our inner door closes. Then it is very difficult to communicate with others.
-Dalai Lama

My parents are coming in to town tomorrow afternoon. Their visit will be non-typical. They are staying at an RV park and only staying two evenings. We'll have a day and a half to visit. I saw them last in February 2009 when then hosted me and my brother during the week of my Dad's passing. It wasn't the ideal visit but I will for ever be grateful for their support during my stay.

So what dances in my mind since I learned of their visit just two mornings ago is; why does their visit have to be so short and why can't they stay with us. I'm trying to be open and allow what is be what it is. I'm thinking gratitude for their visit, as short as it may be. I'm thinking allowance for the change in lodging logistics as I'll still see them.

My ego wants me to be upset, disappointed, control the situation b/c It know 'better'. I'm breathing thru it, in with light out with darkness and know that I can chat with them tonight to confirm plans so I can further embrace this opportunity that could of not happened if they didn't call to see if we were around this weekend.

thank you universe for sending me the timely messages i needed.

palms together to all in the world

Monday, May 31, 2010

A reminder on "Fear"

after a bout with the love of my life, i escape to my laptop to research what is jivamukti yoga. i clicked on the focus of the month and viola ... the reminder to live with the power i already posses.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we . . . give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson


Sunday, May 30, 2010

Has it really been that long

I mean really, almost three months since my last post. i am a product of my own enemy - avoidance. i will explain ... over my many years living on this lovely planet i've mastered well on the just getting by with doing the minimum of my own full ability. this understanding, this reflection just arrived to my forethought. helllo! well that just explains everything now, doesn't it. well, doesn't it?
and as a gal who prefers a quick answer and solution - i wish it did, but my true nature knows differently; as with most of us. anyhow, what is cool about this realization is when i felt stuck and admitted it to myself, i just thought a quick vision quest would resolve all my questions. again, denial that there is work to be done, and lots of it. and do i understand that i have more than just one year of self work ahead of me ... yep, it's my remaining life and i knew that on paper and would probably tell my friends and such, but for me - avoiding all that just pulled me away from the obvious work that needs to be done.

now that i know better, therefore it should be clear .... what? no?
i judge myself more than i realize. i am working on listening to my counter-intentions and how my subconscious judges me. the more i come to realize, listen, and reflect on these judgments and counter-intentions, the fog lifts, becoming thinner and thinner.

lifting these thoughts and beliefs allows the 'true work' to come through - that's is why it's called clarity. yeah babe.

so it may come to a surprise but i've allowed so much of society interfere with my happiness. ah, another surprise, eh? i was getting so engulfed with my exterior influences and and finding acceptance that i lost myself for a long time. hence the sense of feeling 'stuck' or bogged now with heaviness and uncertainty.

as the fog lifts i can see more clarity of my past, why it affected me the way it did and still does. i sit with it, learn to accept it, and then try to dissipate it, one by one; which isn't as easy as i wish.

and what i need to see now is i cannot make up the time 'felt lost' but work with what i have now, truly work with it. no more distractions from the work because i know that doesn't get me anywhere but stuck ... a little bit more empty inside that i know is best ... and gosh why not experience 'life' for the real stuff and not through distorted glasses.

enough said for now .... i'm going to take my emotionally quivering body and rest on this for a bit.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My Spinning Mind

Wow - I've been wanting to write here for a long time and each time I come to the laptop I find a way to distract myself on the Internet. I figured it out that I was avoiding trying to harness what I will write for the day. So much is going through my mind; spiritual, environmentally, dietary, new information I've adopted, raw eating, to do or not to do a triathlon this year, my quest has been postponed, learning to let go ... all amongst the day to day living.

So I'll begin with the one that is in the forefront - the vision quest has been postponed. Originally it was to begin in the third weekend of March with monthly meetings leading up to a week long quest in September. I do respect the decision to restructure the vision quest to a later date was a hard one. My decision to sign up was 'scary' but I felt this is the time of my life for me to get 'clean' (and I'm still defining what that means or is to me but it's the word that keeps surfacing) and dig deep into my soul. I trust I may have had expectations what a vision quest may bring/give to me but I felt since i'm feeling ready, the experience would gently get me closer to contentment, peace, and confidence. I feel stuck right now and was depending on the monthly quest meetings, the week long quest, coaching and guidance, and all the would come from gathering with like minded individuals to open my heart, increase my trust in self, and ______ (i know there is so much more that i know and the unknown). I do admit to myself i am saddened by the news.

So until September, I would like to find a source to work with to mentor me. I'm poking around the internet to find local like minded individuals that would support my current time of my life. I kept finding myself revisiting two websites of teachers that I've had the pleasure to learn from. So I listen to this and have written to each of them to see what they can offer me.
In the meantime - I listen to the inner voice for guidance, slow down to allow my response instead of getting distracted, and believe believe believe that if i stay true to myself what happens is the given path. yes?

so - on that note i will head out to run my errands, jog with my Zuzu, and come home to make a 'green' smoothie for lunch.

Palms Together for the World,

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

slipping Forward

yep, today I'm going to start "slipping forward" to where I was just 5 day ago; eating well with out the additional sugar, wheat, and corn. The last four days I drank and ate sugar and I did not like the combo - too much carbs I assuming. It began Friday evening when I said to myself that I deserve a beer because of the tough week I had. Just one beer and that's all I had but I doomed it with eating trader joes peppermint jojo's that we had around from christmas. and i couldn't just have 1 or 2 or 3 oooh no - it had to be like 6 or 8. i actually lost count. the early morning hours i spent in the bathroom with cramps and my head was banging from the huge sugar intake just 6 hrs early.
yeah, it was nothing like slowly integrating foods. serious lesson learned.

so today i started my morning with lemon cayenne water and followed with tofu and greens with a couple of mugs of detox tea. i'm also taking 2,000 mg of vit c and 1g pysillium to assist in purging the crap is consume the past 4 days. because i had as much sugar as i did - which isn't much to most folks but i've discovered during my detox integration i'm sensitive to it - i'm having cravings for it this morning. i'm using the practice that i used during my 1st week of detox is to wait it out for 15 minutes - drink tea and wait. it does pass - and it did during the detox. but today i needed a little help. in fact, i decided to write this entry with hopes the cravings would stop. and lo behold it did. ah - to journal does a girl good.

so i'll run my errands, go for a swim, and then come home for a health lunch of pumpkin soup or experiment with making a pumpkin smoothie.

i already feel my spirits lift from just sitting here ... remembering the cleansing path i decided to forge just 19 days ago. i have the rest of my life to perfect it - and that could be defined in many ways.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Detox - Day Twelve

One should think that they have the understanding of how food affects the body until one trys a detox program. Having only eaten a gluten free vegan diet for 8 days and then slowing integrating foods to learn of sensitivity and allergen reaction is an eye opener. As much as I want to eat the 'crap' food I slowly allowed to creep into my dietary lifestyle the past 6 months, I feel too good to allow myself to switch back.

On many obvious reasons to me to maintain this current dietary lifestyle is how calm and clean I feel. And the most important obvious reason is the 'freedom' I am experiencing. The freedom from sugar and carbs are the most that create havoc in my life for that I was not able to see before. I understood that once I reached this point I would see it but I just wasn't ready. And as I've said many times for many reasons and occasions for self and others; we all have a tolerance. Mine was reached last month.

So the past few of days I've tried sushi, white rice, fish tacos on flour tortilla, corn tortilla chips, soy milk in my tea, rice milk, chicken, turkey, veggie chilly, corn/wheat bread, eggs, and pie crust. I've concluded that i am sensitive to corn and white and wheat flour; wheat flour more so. my sinus became stuffed and my snoring return. very similar to my reaction to soy milk - when i let off it my sinus wasn't as stuffed. interesting that i would find the culprit and have my sinus clear - haven't had that experience or sensation for that matter, for more than a day. but to experience it for a week and more is something - and that i learned that when your sinus is clogged it's a reflection that your intestines are also clogged with food you are sensitive or allergic too. therefore you can not absorb foods fully - and i've just recently experienced how absorbing all the cool nutrients affects my body - it's a happier place in my body when i eat well and well with the friendly foods.

again - onward to continue this chapter and experience the ups and downs of this pathway.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Detox - Day Nine - Wheat

the book recommends introducing wheat 2-3 times a day for the next 2-3 days. i don't typically consume 'wheat' in the sense of breads and we are out of bread. i don't really prefer it anyway unless we make grilled cheese. i will visit this food item a few days later.

saturday morning:
eggs and greens
1/3 slice of pork bacon

stir fry mixed veggies & brwn rice seasoned with tameric & curry
1/2 of small veggie pot pie with white flour crust, savory sauce included cornstarch

fruit leather from trader joes

2 rice cakes, (1 w/almond butter)
1/4 cup mixed nuts

strong craving to munch on food followed by habitual pull to eat a sweet.
went to work on the xmas tree and vacumming. by 4pm, the craving was gone. yay

Detox - Day Eight - Eggs for Breakfast

2 eggs over easy and sauted greens w/onion - yum
ate 2 small tacos at lunch w/kids (corn tortilla - corn in taco filling)
shake for remainder of lunch
drank 3 cups tea in afternoon
apple, pear, rice cake
sushi & miso soup for dinner YUM
mixed nuts and tea for evening snack

the book recommends you start on the 8th day
integrating w/eggs. and i did

so far so good - tomorrow i will return to the detox diet to allow for any possible reaction to the corn or sushi.

Detox - Day Seven

Thursday: i woke w/o congestion - ah the vegan gluten free diet is a strong tell tale that i am sensitive to something.  chris mentioned how i haven't snored for the past couple of evenings.
i am looking forward to eggs and greens tomorrow morning.
protein shake w/flax meal and green powder held me longer than w/o these additives.
and i'm noting how i'm feeling clear, calm, no strong cravings for carbs only the habitual pull to them when i see them. will continue to work on this will power.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Detox - Day Six

Wow - day six. i'm glad i am over the big hump. just two more days and i begin integrating food introductions. i'm thinking eggs for Friday's breakfast. [licking my lips]

I woke up this morning a bit sleep but feeling great. And then I smiled as I remembered I surpassed the dairy cravings I had yesterday afternoon. I was thinking about cheese and cream for my tea. The question to investigate do i crave it for the habit or does my body require it? We will see soon. I have learned this week that protein is key for me.

Good News - the chant worked! Yep - a healthy BM this morning. Ok, perhaps it wasn't only the chant but its a fun way to share the news when it's not the most 'pleasant' news. This morning I practiced some Anusara yoga that I haven't fully integrated into my practice for unknown reasons to me - easy out to the answer - lazy? but i really haven't reflected on it. this morning i enjoyed the relationship i have with my body, my joints, my sockets, the muscles, and my breath. Loooove it!

off to for the day at work - will check in tonight.

well another accomplishing day. stuck with the plan - drank more fluids and kept the headache away. got a little kick that i was day dreaming how i'm going to bake my califlower in the oven when i get home. good eats. found eating a good portion of protein at each meal keeps my hunger and cravings in check as well. i'm still taken how much slug is coming out of my body. oh, and that i understand more clearly why this particular detox program i'm on suggests a sauna each day; my skin is developing little white bumps that rub or pick off - toxins i assume. the steam room would pops these w/o me knowing as they prob would melt thru my poors.
so much to learn about the body when you are detox'g.

down for a good nights sleep - and up for my 7th day. keep doing it 'right' and i will be rewarded with health and happiness.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Detox - Day Five

slept thru most of the evening with the symptoms strong in presences. hmmm, is this the 'flu like' symptoms some experience with a detox or a i coming down with something.

my stomach is feeling full, no bm yet, and i'm a little fatigue. took zuzu for a walk - and the movement provided no relief. i drank lemon/cayenne water, tea, and 1/2 a smoothie to keep me fueled. went on an errand and drank the remainder of the smoothie and and drank another tea upon my return. i can feel some movement and relief with time, but concerned i'm not taking in the calories i should on day five. having already missed yesterdays afternoon snack and dinner and this mornings full breakfast and snack, i wonder if the level of detox changes. just wondering.

again - my energy is good but a bit slow due to the symptoms. i'm alert and in a great mood aside from the discomfort. i am really beginning to feel a healthy bm (i understand this may sound gross to some) will solve a great deal of my discomfort. i kind of what to start cheering for it to come ... here we go bm, here we go [clap clap], here we go bm, here we go [clap clap].
they say humor is the best medicine .... i'll go with it.

i continued to drink fluids of tea and water thru lunch as i was not hungry. by 3pm i my hunger pings provides a sense of mental relief. i trust 'things' are moving in the digestive track again. a make a veggie pot of miso soup. a couple more cups of tea and alot of palpating the lower intestines. i'm still singing my cheer in my head. ;-)

6:30pm i'm a little hungry and ate a sweet potato and took three of my husbands colon cleanse capsules. with the diet i have been consuming these past five days i thinking this should work because if it doesn't - yikes ... what do i do next?

i'm glad i went to bed with food in my stomach. sweet dreams.

Detox - Day Four

first day to work on the detox. again, my original thoughts when planning my week was i'd be a bit 'out of it' while on the detox. not the case. in fact, co-workers were commenting how they don't notice any difference in my energy level. i'm also really excited about our new family member, zuzu, so i trust that is carrying me too. nevertheless, i'm grateful i've stuck with the plan. it's so much easier than i thought.

i'm not craving sweets and my 'so call desires' are more from habitual behavior. when i made chris' coffee i was thinking i'll want a cup after i'm off the detox but my next thought was - yuck. hmmm. and when i walk past our break room i find i'm looking for the treats on the table. and of course, there were treats - but i wasn't craving them, the habitual behavior was drawn towards them. so much behavior awareness coming from this experience and it's only day four.

breakfast: lemon/cayenne water, tea, smoothie
snack: rice cake, banana, tea
lunch: 1/4 banana, 1/2 cup rice milk, brown rice, and cooked greens.
no snack or dinner

on my bike ride home if was feeling a bit feverish and fatigued. by the time i got home my stomach felt ill, my intestines were distended, i was chilled, and i only wanted to sleep. i took zuzu for a walk with hopes it would get 'things' moving on my intestines. no luck.

after taking my temperature (99.5), i layed down and fell asleep on the couch around 7:30pm. went to bed. i hope this passes by morning. and i feel like a healthy bm would cure this ailment.

Detox - Day Three

ok, surprising i thought i would be so much more excited that i will be eating whole foods today. but my reaction was more grateful. but after my lemon/cayenne water (which i'm getting used to) and cup of tea, i slurped down a fruit rice protein smoothie. yuuuumy!
lunch consisted of a cup of miso soup, grapes, and a banana. then a yummy dinner of sweet potato and cooked greens. i'll like to experiment more with adding seasoning to the greens since i'm not using salt this week. the ginger taste ok, but not enough to satiate my palette.
but over all the day was good, easy going for me.
i will keep a better track of my fluid intake as i feel i was a bit short on the ounces. also, i'm getting used to drinking the tea without sweetener; particularly the good earth-original tea.

i thought i would be low in energy on the detox but i worked on the yard, cleared branches, help put up a hog wire fence, and cleaned the house. didn't feel the bit least fatigued or dizzy. taking the additional recommended supplements did the trick.

off to day four ...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Detox - Day Three

Early morning report -
another restful evening, even with zuzu new to family we all slept thru the night. yay!
work up to needing the bathroom but little happened. hmmm - what to make of this. ok, i'll make the recommended lemon water with a pinch of cayenne to encourage a little more movement " i like it move'n move'n" ok trying to add a little humor since i noticed my past couple of posts were dry.
down to the kitchen to make up cocation and flu like sensations came upon me. ah, just like the book explained; i guess this puts me on track. i'm glad i'm not working today. i don't think i would make it on my feet all day. sitting here blogging waiting for the sensation to settle and i'll make my rice protein fruit smoothie.
because of the intestinal blotting and achy feeling in my body i didn't have an appetite but i ate lightly regardless to keep the nutrition intake. i drank tea and water like it was my last day for fluids. i'm hoping these will help flush this flu sympton out - i appreciate i'm on track but i'm not feeling well.

Detox - Day Two

Well I am proud of myself to sticking through day one. It was hard but doable. I would breath through the touch moments; and that's what there were were moments of hunger. the hunger pain was intense and were increasingly intense as the day passed. I didn't do much buy lay around and watch tv or surf the internet. in retrospect, i wonder if being more active would made it easier to get through the day. i got headaches around 2pm and a sinus pressure sensation began at 3pm and subsided around 6pm. the headache increased and landed in my right eye. I was looking forward to bedtime to help me ignore this discomfort.

But day two was surprisingly easier - i felt really good when i woke. a proper nights sleep certainly contributes to a good nights rest. i made a plan to avoid the couch area and keep moving around the house. drank my lemon water and teas, showered, dressed, and headed out to the human society. we left about 11am and returned around 3pm. i had one water bottle of lemon water with me. surprisingly i didn't crave much of anything but grateful i had the water to drink. didn't finish the bottle till i got home. i began getting really hungry around 5pm. everything that was out in the kitchen i felt a knee kick draw to nibble one. do i knibble that much unconsciously or is this draw to the foods heighten because i am hungry or habitually hungry? around 5:30pm i began to think i'll have a cup of miso soup to hold me over till tomorrow. but the thought of doing that didn't feel right - as i would not be sticking to the program and that could affect the benefits and i'm trying within my comfort level achieve all the benefits i can from this 7 days of fasting. well i made it. by 8:30pm i was so sleepy if i fell asleep on the couch w/chris. went to bed only to lay with zuzu at her new crate for about 90 minutes slipping in and out of sleep. she is a good distraction for me on many levels. :) but i did achieve the two days of fasting with water, tea, and lemon water. yay for me. tomorrow i can drink fruit smoothie and eat fruits, veggies, rice, and miso.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Detox: Day One

I woke this morning with ease after a late night celebrating NY Eve with my husband. We stayed home, found a free online karaoke site and sang our hearts out till 3:00am. To my surprise I slept peacefully till 10:00 am.

My eyes catch the glass of water that awaits me. My first glass to consume before I do anything - I greet it with a smile.

I plan today and tomorrow to be extremely low key days. I can only imagine the challenges I will have and I've prepared for them the best I can. The unknown challenges will test my mental strength.

As I'm here typing this and drinking my herbal tea, my husband sits across eating eggs and bacon. It smells good and yes, I do want to reach over and take a bite. But I can have the eggs next Friday, I tell myself. :)

I'm watching an 18 hour marathon of 2001-2008 World Champion Triathlons. It's motivating, no matter where one is on the physical scale. Of late, I'm not much of a TV viewer so this may sound naive, but what I never noticed is how many food commercials there are and the power of suggestion the is delivered.

My current experience: slight headache, sleepy (contribute to late night), and hungry (which I understand will subside slightly thru-out the day).

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Nature Nurtures Me

I look at this photo and my eyes smile, my face smiles, my heart wells up and I feel the love. I allow the love of nature; I open to nature.

When I was picking these figs from our tree just outside our back door, I felt peace, patience looking for a ripe fig, and gratitude that nature provides.

Nature has never let me down. Truly. It's there for a purpose, obviously, but I often don't take the time to listen to it's purpose.

Last weekend at a fall yoga retreat, we were guided and encourage through our morning yoga practice to listen to our intuition. We took a brake from the asanas and took a walk with questions given to us to answer upon our return.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Time to Think

Yes I have. I've been on my back the most part of the last 4 days. With an injured SI joint, there isn't much one can do that doesn't trigger the severe shooting pain so horizontal becomes the preferred position to avoid the pain. Yet, it is also the most limited. One can't quite knit or surf the net when on the back. Also, I've discovered the arms are not developed to hold a book above your head for long period of times. So what is left is mindless tv or think. I've been choosing the later.

So after a day or two of mind chatter I've been getting down to the nitty gritty of 'me'. The me that I subconsciously avoid by keeping myself busy with projects related to our home.

A few Ah Ha's came forth this past few days. I don't recall the order but certainly remember the sensation when the came to me. I liked the idea of having an answer for my behavior yet I noticed how I wasn't trying to stick with it either; as it could disappear and I wouldn't try to pull it back. However, I didn't so I can now share.
How do I know I am enough?
How hard should I work to prove to everyone (but really myself) that my worth is worthy?
Is taking a day off from home projects when no one is home, aside from being ill, indicate that I am lazy?
I don't want anyone to think I lazy and yet I work myself to injury to prove that I am not and who's really paying for it?
And one of the important questions is - who am I doing all this 'work' for?

So one of the conclusions I came up with, and please don't judge me or laugh because I'm merely sharing the truth, is I felt if I didn't work very hard at home after work and on my day offs my husband would think I'm not contributing. Now I'll share with you that 1) he has never expressed the and 2) he will never expect it. He just isn't the kind of man that would marry a lazy woman.
And then it's the 'work my but off at work' so I look worthy to keep because if I don't work hard then they will fire me. And again, that's an expectation I put on myself.
In theory, I pull my load and a bit more because it feels good but there is an underlying fear that if I don't ... pink slip comes my way.
Again, in theory, these are silly thoughts because they are not true. It's all been developed in my own mind; my mind of trying to feel enough.

My dear friend wrote on her blog recently about her concerns with AM I Enough. Someone comment for her to read from:

I just about cried with relief. For that moment I realize that my dear friend and I are not alone and we have many reasons to believe in what we are doing, what every it is on the large picture or daily doings, we are enough. We contribute in many layers and it's so important to remember that.

So with that - I will remember that when I feel inadequate, I will remember that I wrote to this blog with belief that I AM Enough!

Be well

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

for me or for you

yeah, that what i say. am i writing this for you, the reader or for me. a few days ago it occurred to me that i often wrote in my journals and other sources for the reader, with hopes that the reader would approve of me. i'm looking for approval from 1) folks that i may never, well most likely never, meet, 2) people in my life that if they did come across this would wonder 'who' i am, and 3) myself; which is absurd since i don't like the outcome of such behavior.
So ... a few mornings ago as i laid in bed looking out the window, it occurred to me that i must return to writing and the writing is about me with the feelings i experience at the moment; or at the least be truthful on the subject of actuality and not assuming what i think the reader wants to read. now that i've confused myself with the above explanation, i made a promise to myself on few items i want to improve on. i do realize that this list will evolve as i evolve with life:

- to be truthful to myself
- take a deep breath before making a decision or comment
- be responsive to my inner voice

these feel strong to me; i like the meaning each have and what they will bring in the sense of experience.

yay! i just smiled with myself and a little excited about this step forward. the step forward to loving myself.

- palms together

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It's all Good ... Right?

this morning i lay in bed looking out the window, as i always do in the morning. the sky is clear and i see the dark outline of the trees against the dawn sky. my grams comes to mind, who passed in march 08, and i ask her if i'm doing good. are you proud of me? i smile to the sky thinking of her and remembering of christmas days and our long phone conversations during her last years. the i begin to doubt if i even can respectfully miss her. was i the grand daughter that gave her the respect and attention that now can be considered a grand daughter to be missed. what kind of question is this?" i ask myself. that is the self doubt i struggle with on so much of my daily life. it interfers with my success of life, my interactions with friends, family, and neighbors. it qualms my ability to speak my mind, what's on my mind, and the ability to explain myself. my self doubt squashes me.
grams, i'm riding my mt bike today on a new cross course i haven't ridden before. i'm nervous that i'll fall but more importantly, i'm concern i won't do well. and in who's eyes for the sake of peace. i'm riding for me and i know this when it comes down to it all ... not for anyone else but me. so today grams, i'm riding for you and me to share with you that i'm taking a step to make it about me and not for the approval of others.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Seasonal Blues?

How do I know that what I know is really what I know?
I've been having some serious self doubt lately. I'm familiar with this sensation and have begun to recognize this is seasonal. Nonetheless, it's very real and I'm not enjoying it. However, I am trying a new approach. I am taking a risk and writing to a dear friend of mine. I am sharing the true colors that I am feeling, behaving, and believing. All the while understand (and learning to embrace) this is the process I must take. The good news I just now recognized is my loathing behavior that started about 90 minutes ago (that included some deep sobbing and feeling of shame) has lifted a bit. Wow. An improvement on some sense of covering. Goes to show when I meet it and accept it, it can move forward vs staying stag net.
The word 'Pleasure' has giving me some grief this week. It's a discomforting word to me at this time. Layers of guilt wraps itself around the word of pleasure making it difficult to see what is truly the possible experience.
More on this later. Off to hitting my mat and cushion.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

This blog will hold my journal thoughts

that i want to share with others with hope to connect with like minded individuals. I am in search for comfort of who I am, what I've already experienced and cannot change, and to embrace what life will offer me without doubt but only with faith, trust, and unconditional love.