Wednesday, November 11, 2015

But I want it NOW!

So I tell myself this just about every weekend and many week days ....  I tell myself that if I get it completed now it would soooo much easier.   Here is my aha from this afternoon ::

"I want it now because I’m stuck in my own muck. If I get it now I will be out of my muck, caught up, on time, … "
All morning I’ve been struggling with writing an email to my teacher to ask for help. I wanted to explain as briefly as possible the background but concern brief may not be enough. Here is the brief: I was raised in a competitive household. Not the physical one we all may be familiar with but a ‘mental-know it all’ competition. I was always trying to get it right. And if I did there was a reward; not monetary so to speak but certainly recognition. More often than not I didn’t get it right.
This afternoon I’m out planting spring bulbs and pruning the yard. The yard is overdue for pruning and cleanup but what the heck I’m outdoors and listening to wonderful uplifting music. Then the repeated self talk of such ... ‘if I only got out here last weekend and the weekend before there would be less to do this weekend.' Ah - I realize this self talk parallels my situation of feeling stuck. I stand up from gardening, and I realize I’ve been telling myself all my life that I’m never caught up, I’m always behind, I’ll never win.
This is self sabotage talk. And I’ve been competing with myself all this time. And on a subconscious and conscious level telling myself I’ll never get it right so why start OR start but why finish you won’t get it right. By now I’m looking around my yard, so much to accomplish and it will not happen today. And just like my life work and it won’t all be accomplished in a weeklong crash course (a set up to fail). So on paper I broke down my yard in sections and name each one by the touchstone (I have plenty of yard to do this). And like the touchstones, I’ll allow myself to do what I can and what comes to me. And think I won’t touch sections 8-12 till later. Ya Babe!
I’m glad I came to this myself instead of asking for help. Asking for help is no doubt good but this one was meant for me to figure out myself. And I believe that is why I couldn’t pull together an email to Britt.
My true inner voice is always talking to me to do amazing, beautiful, positive, enjoyable, fun, self care, giving, and loving things. I enjoy pondering with delight about the ideas but fear to act on them.
Can you relate? Insights?
Palms Together

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