this morning i lay in bed looking out the window, as i always do in the morning. the sky is clear and i see the dark outline of the trees against the dawn sky. my grams comes to mind, who passed in march 08, and i ask her if i'm doing good. are you proud of me? i smile to the sky thinking of her and remembering of christmas days and our long phone conversations during her last years. the i begin to doubt if i even can respectfully miss her. was i the grand daughter that gave her the respect and attention that now can be considered a grand daughter to be missed. what kind of question is this?" i ask myself. that is the self doubt i struggle with on so much of my daily life. it interfers with my success of life, my interactions with friends, family, and neighbors. it qualms my ability to speak my mind, what's on my mind, and the ability to explain myself. my self doubt squashes me.
grams, i'm riding my mt bike today on a new cross course i haven't ridden before. i'm nervous that i'll fall but more importantly, i'm concern i won't do well. and in who's eyes for the sake of peace. i'm riding for me and i know this when it comes down to it all ... not for anyone else but me. so today grams, i'm riding for you and me to share with you that i'm taking a step to make it about me and not for the approval of others.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Seasonal Blues?
How do I know that what I know is really what I know?
I've been having some serious self doubt lately. I'm familiar with this sensation and have begun to recognize this is seasonal. Nonetheless, it's very real and I'm not enjoying it. However, I am trying a new approach. I am taking a risk and writing to a dear friend of mine. I am sharing the true colors that I am feeling, behaving, and believing. All the while understand (and learning to embrace) this is the process I must take. The good news I just now recognized is my loathing behavior that started about 90 minutes ago (that included some deep sobbing and feeling of shame) has lifted a bit. Wow. An improvement on some sense of covering. Goes to show when I meet it and accept it, it can move forward vs staying stag net.
The word 'Pleasure' has giving me some grief this week. It's a discomforting word to me at this time. Layers of guilt wraps itself around the word of pleasure making it difficult to see what is truly the possible experience.
More on this later. Off to hitting my mat and cushion.
Namaste!
I've been having some serious self doubt lately. I'm familiar with this sensation and have begun to recognize this is seasonal. Nonetheless, it's very real and I'm not enjoying it. However, I am trying a new approach. I am taking a risk and writing to a dear friend of mine. I am sharing the true colors that I am feeling, behaving, and believing. All the while understand (and learning to embrace) this is the process I must take. The good news I just now recognized is my loathing behavior that started about 90 minutes ago (that included some deep sobbing and feeling of shame) has lifted a bit. Wow. An improvement on some sense of covering. Goes to show when I meet it and accept it, it can move forward vs staying stag net.
The word 'Pleasure' has giving me some grief this week. It's a discomforting word to me at this time. Layers of guilt wraps itself around the word of pleasure making it difficult to see what is truly the possible experience.
More on this later. Off to hitting my mat and cushion.
Namaste!
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