Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Softening

Softening:  make or become less hard; make or become less severe; undermine the resistance;

Ever wonder why the obvious of something isn't obvious?  I do and very often.  I often chuckle at the parallel confusion that if something so simple isn't obvious ... is it simple?  ... is it truly obvious?

Then I thought about the word softening a bit more - and honestly for many years.  My first awareness of the word was during my yoga training classes.  "soften your shoulders"  what!?!  "soften your hips"  how do you do that?  "soften the muscles around you eyes"  oh - that makes sense i can soften around my eyes, my lips, my jaw muscles.

But how about softening ones expectations on oneself.  Originally this post was about my Ah haa finding of softening during yoga poses.  The draft start of this post sat for a bit.  I come back to it to read what I wrote and it's going to take a new direction; just a little though.

What has been in the forefront of my life of late is menopause.  That's right - yes sirree - and i'm not liking it - not at the moment.  I say my first signs over a year ago - night sweats and periodic irregular periods.  I took herbal supplements and adjusted my diet.  All was going pretty well for the time being.

About 5 months ago I was noticing a few more night sweats a week, hot flashes during the afternoon, and insomnia.  About 2 months ago I am feeling depressed and fatigued.  The past month the periods were twice and doubled in length.  Now I am comfortable and can deal with the night sweats, a little insomnia, and hot flashes.  The depression and fatigue is really taking a cruel toll on me.

The past month my mood swings from being happy and content to so sad that I feel lonely.  And the fatigue is consistent that it take great effort to make it through the day.  On my day's off all I want to do is sleep; and I trust that's the combo depression and fatigue.  But I don't because I would feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.  Oh, and let me add that crying is part of the depression roller coaster.

I just can't take this for the next 5-7 years.  How do women feel like going forth for so long in this state?  I don't want to be that or do that or live that .... so today I added another herbal supplement today.  Being it's an herbal it will take 7-21 days before it's fully effective.

The other frustrating sensation I'm experiencing with the depression is I feel like a failure.  Crap!

So why this long explanation about my menopause when the title of this post is Softening?  Well, when I was sitting on my living room floor staring out the window and crying because i was feeling like i won't be able to accomplish anything in this state, let along keep or make friends - out of nowhere the word softening came to me.  And that's when I thought that I can be kinder to myself (though I don't know who self is these days - at least that's what it's feeling like).

When my mood upswings I'll want to think about being kind to myself and soften the words I have about myself - to myself - and for myself.  This will be challenging approach for me as I'm such a hard critic of myself.  If it's come down to being menopause to change that critic - so be it.

Just writing this post is the approach i want to take though i'm in tears right now.   The tears are often uncontrollably by the way.  - interesting, eh?

xo

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