A letter to my Father

I decided to write a letter to my father to release all the negative unhealthy debilitating ties he put upon me and I allowed to live within to this day.  After I wrote this letter.  I read it to my husband to validate to myself this is real.  Then we witnessed burning in the bbq kettle.  I was a little sad but still don't know why.  I was not mad or angry but definitely unattached to him.  I came to terms he did not contribute to my life but only continued to burden it as I allowed.  My father passed many years ago but this process was needed.  After this symbolic process a heavy feeling in my chest dropped lower in my torso.  Ah

Note:  I wrote this as raw as I could and did not proofread.  I did not want to make any changes to tone I had while writing this.

Dear Pops,

I’m writing this letter to you to say I accept the things you control over but did not change.  I accept that you did the best you can.  I accept that you did not know any different.  I accept that you were not willing to ‘share’ conversation.  I accept that you were insecure about who you are.  I accept your insecurities were nurtured and ‘taught’ to your children.  I accept that I lived under those insecurities all my life.  I accept that you made everything into a competition.  I accept that I in your eyes I would never win in fear you would look weak to me.  I accept your approach to disciplining me was cruel.  I accept that you did not explain why I was being disciplined and what I can learn from it.  I accept that perhaps you did not know ourself why you were disciplining me but you just knew you had to.  I accept that you didn’t stand on your own belief when I asked permission to do something; it was always ‘what would our Mom say?’.  I accept you feared Mom.  I accept that when Ken came into our life I was ignored and/or used to boost your ego.  I accept your hour long bathroom trips were crew to the family of 6 living in a one bathroom home.  I accept you never told me you loved me.  Not even on your deathbed.  I accept you thought you were the greatest at everything.  I accept you thought it was important to always tell me you had more friends than me; I could count mine on my hands and you didn’t have enough hands to count yours.  I accept that you did not trust me in ‘your’ garage.  I accept that I would sneak into the garage because you would not lend me an item I needed on my car or bicycle.  I accept that your pride held you back from maintaining full time year round employment; creating continuous years of monetary hardship on the family.  I accept that just getting by is enough.  I accept that you did not find the need to improve yourself, encourage me to improve myself, or contribute to the community without knowing you would be obtaining recognition for your effort.  I accept during a wedding reception you grabbed my breast.  And then denied it.  And again when I brought it up to discuss it.  Pig.

I accept that you did try to find love in yourself and you thought if you walk the effort it is the same.  I accept your attempt to tell me you love me but didn’t really mean it.  You were just scared to be alone.  I accept that you were a loner and was not interested in spending anytime with me that involved listening to my side of the conversation and I mean listen.  You had the time being home most of the time but did not participating in my athletic side of my childhood.  I accept you did watch any of my year round games or track meets for the three years I was at Southwood.  I accept that I was able to disconnect any hope, feelings, wish, wants, or connection with you when I trusted that I did all that I could do.  I accept that on your deathbed you could not look me in the eye.  I accept that you were ok with dying and leave all your physical and monetary responsibility onto your children.  I accept that I do not miss you as a person or soul.  I accept I can remember and only miss the earlier days at Fir Ave in the backyard garden.  I accept those were good times.  I accept that this letter will remove any connection with you on a spiritual level, guilty level, beliefs I unconsciously conjured up, and all the alike.  I let go of all that you put upon me.  I let go all my subconscious beliefs related to your parenting me.  I let go of you.  I let go of all the debilitating, degrading, and dismissing you even put upon me for so many years.  Good bye.  I wipe my hands clean of all of you.  I have no attachment.                11Nov15