Yes I have. I've been on my back the most part of the last 4 days. With an injured SI joint, there isn't much one can do that doesn't trigger the severe shooting pain so horizontal becomes the preferred position to avoid the pain. Yet, it is also the most limited. One can't quite knit or surf the net when on the back. Also, I've discovered the arms are not developed to hold a book above your head for long period of times. So what is left is mindless tv or think. I've been choosing the later.
So after a day or two of mind chatter I've been getting down to the nitty gritty of 'me'. The me that I subconsciously avoid by keeping myself busy with projects related to our home.
A few Ah Ha's came forth this past few days. I don't recall the order but certainly remember the sensation when the came to me. I liked the idea of having an answer for my behavior yet I noticed how I wasn't trying to stick with it either; as it could disappear and I wouldn't try to pull it back. However, I didn't so I can now share.
How do I know I am enough?
How hard should I work to prove to everyone (but really myself) that my worth is worthy?
Is taking a day off from home projects when no one is home, aside from being ill, indicate that I am lazy?
I don't want anyone to think I lazy and yet I work myself to injury to prove that I am not and who's really paying for it?
And one of the important questions is - who am I doing all this 'work' for?
So one of the conclusions I came up with, and please don't judge me or laugh because I'm merely sharing the truth, is I felt if I didn't work very hard at home after work and on my day offs my husband would think I'm not contributing. Now I'll share with you that 1) he has never expressed the and 2) he will never expect it. He just isn't the kind of man that would marry a lazy woman.
And then it's the 'work my but off at work' so I look worthy to keep because if I don't work hard then they will fire me. And again, that's an expectation I put on myself.
In theory, I pull my load and a bit more because it feels good but there is an underlying fear that if I don't ... pink slip comes my way.
Again, in theory, these are silly thoughts because they are not true. It's all been developed in my own mind; my mind of trying to feel enough.
My dear friend wrote on her blog recently about her concerns with AM I Enough. Someone comment for her to read from:
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/12840.html
I just about cried with relief. For that moment I realize that my dear friend and I are not alone and we have many reasons to believe in what we are doing, what every it is on the large picture or daily doings, we are enough. We contribute in many layers and it's so important to remember that.
So with that - I will remember that when I feel inadequate, I will remember that I wrote to this blog with belief that I AM Enough!
Be well
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