2011 Begins

It's January 4th and I'm sitting here at 12noon, still in my pj's and need to admit - pouting a bit. I'm feel the pull of the seasonal depression. i'm so familiar with this and i sit with it all the while looking online for the 'quick fix' to loss 10 pounds. it's very silly behavior and i've been here before - but this i'm not fooled into signing up because i know in my hearts of hearts i can loss the 10 pounds with the knowledge i've collected over the last three years. also, i need to take the credit of this for my own self happiness.

so, i've come to terms that I've gained 10 pounds in the last month; and i feel a bit shamed I let myself go - eating the foods that taste so delicious yet not kind to my body or soul.

and the trick that my mind is playing on me now is it's telling me i'll be depriving myself when i go back to my healthy lifestyle of before. my ego really knows how to f#$& with me.

so after i wasted much of my morning surfing the net for the 'quick fix', i posted on facebook if anyone wants to join me; not much in the sense of interest. so i feel further alone. whaaay!

i do know what to do yet i struggle to get my tuckess in gear - why do i fear the 'good for me' when i'm alone? i have guilt when i do anything for me - but never when i clean house, work on the house, or run errands. and here lies the culprit of the sadness, i guess.

this year my word that came to me on new years morning was health. ironic, eh?

i shared with my love of my life that i would like to achieve comfort with doing what 'i' like to do with the affirmation of others. but with hopes others would be inclined to join me. i fear of being alone i guess - more than i'm. hence, why i posted to f.b., and why i get envious when my friend is teaching classes i would like to but haven't b/c of the fear of created, the shame i came to believe b/c i let so much time pass - now it's 'too late'. sounds silly in my head and even sillier on the screen.

just back from a 30 min, walk/jog with my dog, Zuzu. and i was originally going to delete the above but decided to share what getting out and 'clearing my head' can do to me. i'm in a better spirits. during my walk/run i heard a few of my favorite women reminding me; mom - exercise is your therapy, your anti-depression medication. rebecca - you know your stuff - get out there and find someone to join you; i'd be there right now if i could. and a few others that i know would say: you are being so hard on yourself - sounds like a bad day-only today. another: where are you on your cycle?

they are all so true and currently equal. so i take my mood, wait, i took my mood - ran some of it off, and reduced the sadness; found the heart of the day and will do what i can with the remaining time. and i will complete what is important to me - not the silly society expectations i created upon myself today - and be done with it.

thank you dear spirit for leading me. and i thank myself for listening.

tomorrow i'll share more on my sights for this year.

in light and love