My Spinning Mind

Wow - I've been wanting to write here for a long time and each time I come to the laptop I find a way to distract myself on the Internet. I figured it out that I was avoiding trying to harness what I will write for the day. So much is going through my mind; spiritual, environmentally, dietary, new information I've adopted, raw eating, to do or not to do a triathlon this year, my quest has been postponed, learning to let go ... all amongst the day to day living.

So I'll begin with the one that is in the forefront - the vision quest has been postponed. Originally it was to begin in the third weekend of March with monthly meetings leading up to a week long quest in September. I do respect the decision to restructure the vision quest to a later date was a hard one. My decision to sign up was 'scary' but I felt this is the time of my life for me to get 'clean' (and I'm still defining what that means or is to me but it's the word that keeps surfacing) and dig deep into my soul. I trust I may have had expectations what a vision quest may bring/give to me but I felt since i'm feeling ready, the experience would gently get me closer to contentment, peace, and confidence. I feel stuck right now and was depending on the monthly quest meetings, the week long quest, coaching and guidance, and all the would come from gathering with like minded individuals to open my heart, increase my trust in self, and ______ (i know there is so much more that i know and the unknown). I do admit to myself i am saddened by the news.

So until September, I would like to find a source to work with to mentor me. I'm poking around the internet to find local like minded individuals that would support my current time of my life. I kept finding myself revisiting two websites of teachers that I've had the pleasure to learn from. So I listen to this and have written to each of them to see what they can offer me. In the meantime - I listen to the inner voice for guidance, slow down to allow my response instead of getting distracted, and believe believe believe that if i stay true to myself what happens is the given path. yes?

so - on that note i will head out to run my errands, jog with my Zuzu, and come home to make a 'green' smoothie for lunch.

Palms Together for the World,

slipping Forward

yep, today I'm going to start "slipping forward" to where I was just 5 day ago; eating well with out the additional sugar, wheat, and corn. The last four days I drank and ate sugar and I did not like the combo - too much carbs I assuming. It began Friday evening when I said to myself that I deserve a beer because of the tough week I had. Just one beer and that's all I had but I doomed it with eating trader joes peppermint jojo's that we had around from christmas. and i couldn't just have 1 or 2 or 3 oooh no - it had to be like 6 or 8. i actually lost count. the early morning hours i spent in the bathroom with cramps and my head was banging from the huge sugar intake just 6 hrs early.
yeah, it was nothing like slowly integrating foods. serious lesson learned.

so today i started my morning with lemon cayenne water and followed with tofu and greens with a couple of mugs of detox tea. i'm also taking 2,000 mg of vit c and 1g pysillium to assist in purging the crap is consume the past 4 days. because i had as much sugar as i did - which isn't much to most folks but i've discovered during my detox integration i'm sensitive to it - i'm having cravings for it this morning. i'm using the practice that i used during my 1st week of detox is to wait it out for 15 minutes - drink tea and wait. it does pass - and it did during the detox. but today i needed a little help. in fact, i decided to write this entry with hopes the cravings would stop. and lo behold it did. ah - to journal does a girl good.

so i'll run my errands, go for a swim, and then come home for a health lunch of pumpkin soup or experiment with making a pumpkin smoothie.

i already feel my spirits lift from just sitting here ... remembering the cleansing path i decided to forge just 19 days ago. i have the rest of my life to perfect it - and that could be defined in many ways.

Detox - Day Twelve

One should think that they have the understanding of how food affects the body until one trys a detox program. Having only eaten a gluten free vegan diet for 8 days and then slowing integrating foods to learn of sensitivity and allergen reaction is an eye opener. As much as I want to eat the 'crap' food I slowly allowed to creep into my dietary lifestyle the past 6 months, I feel too good to allow myself to switch back.

On many obvious reasons to me to maintain this current dietary lifestyle is how calm and clean I feel. And the most important obvious reason is the 'freedom' I am experiencing. The freedom from sugar and carbs are the most that create havoc in my life for that I was not able to see before. I understood that once I reached this point I would see it but I just wasn't ready. And as I've said many times for many reasons and occasions for self and others; we all have a tolerance. Mine was reached last month.

So the past few of days I've tried sushi, white rice, fish tacos on flour tortilla, corn tortilla chips, soy milk in my tea, rice milk, chicken, turkey, veggie chilly, corn/wheat bread, eggs, and pie crust. I've concluded that i am sensitive to corn and white and wheat flour; wheat flour more so. my sinus became stuffed and my snoring return. very similar to my reaction to soy milk - when i let off it my sinus wasn't as stuffed. interesting that i would find the culprit and have my sinus clear - haven't had that experience or sensation for that matter, for more than a day. but to experience it for a week and more is something - and that i learned that when your sinus is clogged it's a reflection that your intestines are also clogged with food you are sensitive or allergic too. therefore you can not absorb foods fully - and i've just recently experienced how absorbing all the cool nutrients affects my body - it's a happier place in my body when i eat well and well with the friendly foods.

again - onward to continue this chapter and experience the ups and downs of this pathway.

Detox - Day Nine - Wheat

the book recommends introducing wheat 2-3 times a day for the next 2-3 days. i don't typically consume 'wheat' in the sense of breads and we are out of bread. i don't really prefer it anyway unless we make grilled cheese. i will visit this food item a few days later.

saturday morning:
eggs and greens
1/3 slice of pork bacon
pear
tea

stir fry mixed veggies & brwn rice seasoned with tameric & curry
1/2 of small veggie pot pie with white flour crust, savory sauce included cornstarch
tea

fruit leather from trader joes

2 rice cakes, (1 w/almond butter)
1/4 cup mixed nuts
tea

strong craving to munch on food followed by habitual pull to eat a sweet.
went to work on the xmas tree and vacumming. by 4pm, the craving was gone. yay

Detox - Day Eight - Eggs for Breakfast

yippee!
2 eggs over easy and sauted greens w/onion - yum
ate 2 small tacos at lunch w/kids (corn tortilla - corn in taco filling)
shake for remainder of lunch
drank 3 cups tea in afternoon
apple, pear, rice cake
sushi & miso soup for dinner YUM
mixed nuts and tea for evening snack

the book recommends you start on the 8th day
integrating w/eggs. and i did

so far so good - tomorrow i will return to the detox diet to allow for any possible reaction to the corn or sushi.

Detox - Day Seven

Thursday: i woke w/o congestion - ah the vegan gluten free diet is a strong tell tale that i am sensitive to something.  chris mentioned how i haven't snored for the past couple of evenings.
i am looking forward to eggs and greens tomorrow morning.
protein shake w/flax meal and green powder held me longer than w/o these additives.
and i'm noting how i'm feeling clear, calm, no strong cravings for carbs only the habitual pull to them when i see them. will continue to work on this will power.

onward!

Detox - Day Six

Wow - day six. i'm glad i am over the big hump. just two more days and i begin integrating food introductions. i'm thinking eggs for Friday's breakfast. [licking my lips]

I woke up this morning a bit sleep but feeling great. And then I smiled as I remembered I surpassed the dairy cravings I had yesterday afternoon. I was thinking about cheese and cream for my tea. The question to investigate do i crave it for the habit or does my body require it? We will see soon. I have learned this week that protein is key for me.

Good News - the chant worked! Yep - a healthy BM this morning. Ok, perhaps it wasn't only the chant but its a fun way to share the news when it's not the most 'pleasant' news. This morning I practiced some Anusara yoga that I haven't fully integrated into my practice for unknown reasons to me - easy out to the answer - lazy? but i really haven't reflected on it. this morning i enjoyed the relationship i have with my body, my joints, my sockets, the muscles, and my breath. Loooove it!

off to for the day at work - will check in tonight.
✰
well another accomplishing day. stuck with the plan - drank more fluids and kept the headache away. got a little kick that i was day dreaming how i'm going to bake my califlower in the oven when i get home. good eats. found eating a good portion of protein at each meal keeps my hunger and cravings in check as well. i'm still taken how much slug is coming out of my body. oh, and that i understand more clearly why this particular detox program i'm on suggests a sauna each day; my skin is developing little white bumps that rub or pick off - toxins i assume. the steam room would pops these w/o me knowing as they prob would melt thru my poors.
so much to learn about the body when you are detox'g.

down for a good nights sleep - and up for my 7th day. keep doing it 'right' and i will be rewarded with health and happiness.

✰

Detox - Day Five

slept thru most of the evening with the symptoms strong in presences. hmmm, is this the 'flu like' symptoms some experience with a detox or a i coming down with something.

my stomach is feeling full, no bm yet, and i'm a little fatigue. took zuzu for a walk - and the movement provided no relief. i drank lemon/cayenne water, tea, and 1/2 a smoothie to keep me fueled. went on an errand and drank the remainder of the smoothie and and drank another tea upon my return. i can feel some movement and relief with time, but concerned i'm not taking in the calories i should on day five. having already missed yesterdays afternoon snack and dinner and this mornings full breakfast and snack, i wonder if the level of detox changes. just wondering.

again - my energy is good but a bit slow due to the symptoms. i'm alert and in a great mood aside from the discomfort. i am really beginning to feel a healthy bm (i understand this may sound gross to some) will solve a great deal of my discomfort. i kind of what to start cheering for it to come ... here we go bm, here we go [clap clap], here we go bm, here we go [clap clap].
they say humor is the best medicine .... i'll go with it.

i continued to drink fluids of tea and water thru lunch as i was not hungry. by 3pm i my hunger pings provides a sense of mental relief. i trust 'things' are moving in the digestive track again. a make a veggie pot of miso soup. a couple more cups of tea and alot of palpating the lower intestines. i'm still singing my cheer in my head. ;-)

6:30pm i'm a little hungry and ate a sweet potato and took three of my husbands colon cleanse capsules. with the diet i have been consuming these past five days i thinking this should work because if it doesn't - yikes ... what do i do next?

i'm glad i went to bed with food in my stomach. sweet dreams.

Detox - Day Four

first day to work on the detox. again, my original thoughts when planning my week was i'd be a bit 'out of it' while on the detox. not the case. in fact, co-workers were commenting how they don't notice any difference in my energy level. i'm also really excited about our new family member, zuzu, so i trust that is carrying me too. nevertheless, i'm grateful i've stuck with the plan. it's so much easier than i thought.

i'm not craving sweets and my 'so call desires' are more from habitual behavior. when i made chris' coffee i was thinking i'll want a cup after i'm off the detox but my next thought was - yuck. hmmm. and when i walk past our break room i find i'm looking for the treats on the table. and of course, there were treats - but i wasn't craving them, the habitual behavior was drawn towards them. so much behavior awareness coming from this experience and it's only day four.

breakfast: lemon/cayenne water, tea, smoothie
snack: rice cake, banana, tea
lunch: 1/4 banana, 1/2 cup rice milk, brown rice, and cooked greens.
no snack or dinner

on my bike ride home if was feeling a bit feverish and fatigued. by the time i got home my stomach felt ill, my intestines were distended, i was chilled, and i only wanted to sleep. i took zuzu for a walk with hopes it would get 'things' moving on my intestines. no luck.

after taking my temperature (99.5), i layed down and fell asleep on the couch around 7:30pm. went to bed. i hope this passes by morning. and i feel like a healthy bm would cure this ailment.

Detox - Day Three

ok, surprising i thought i would be so much more excited that i will be eating whole foods today. but my reaction was more grateful. but after my lemon/cayenne water (which i'm getting used to) and cup of tea, i slurped down a fruit rice protein smoothie. yuuuumy!
lunch consisted of a cup of miso soup, grapes, and a banana. then a yummy dinner of sweet potato and cooked greens. i'll like to experiment more with adding seasoning to the greens since i'm not using salt this week. the ginger taste ok, but not enough to satiate my palette.
but over all the day was good, easy going for me.
i will keep a better track of my fluid intake as i feel i was a bit short on the ounces. also, i'm getting used to drinking the tea without sweetener; particularly the good earth-original tea.

i thought i would be low in energy on the detox but i worked on the yard, cleared branches, help put up a hog wire fence, and cleaned the house. didn't feel the bit least fatigued or dizzy. taking the additional recommended supplements did the trick.

off to day four ...

Detox - Day Three

Early morning report -
another restful evening, even with zuzu new to family we all slept thru the night. yay!
work up to needing the bathroom but little happened. hmmm - what to make of this. ok, i'll make the recommended lemon water with a pinch of cayenne to encourage a little more movement " i like it move'n move'n" ok trying to add a little humor since i noticed my past couple of posts were dry.
down to the kitchen to make up cocation and flu like sensations came upon me. ah, just like the book explained; i guess this puts me on track. i'm glad i'm not working today. i don't think i would make it on my feet all day. sitting here blogging waiting for the sensation to settle and i'll make my rice protein fruit smoothie.
because of the intestinal blotting and achy feeling in my body i didn't have an appetite but i ate lightly regardless to keep the nutrition intake. i drank tea and water like it was my last day for fluids. i'm hoping these will help flush this flu sympton out - i appreciate i'm on track but i'm not feeling well.

Detox - Day Two

Well I am proud of myself to sticking through day one. It was hard but doable. I would breath through the touch moments; and that's what there were were moments of hunger. the hunger pain was intense and were increasingly intense as the day passed. I didn't do much buy lay around and watch tv or surf the internet. in retrospect, i wonder if being more active would made it easier to get through the day. i got headaches around 2pm and a sinus pressure sensation began at 3pm and subsided around 6pm. the headache increased and landed in my right eye. I was looking forward to bedtime to help me ignore this discomfort.

But day two was surprisingly easier - i felt really good when i woke. a proper nights sleep certainly contributes to a good nights rest. i made a plan to avoid the couch area and keep moving around the house. drank my lemon water and teas, showered, dressed, and headed out to the human society. we left about 11am and returned around 3pm. i had one water bottle of lemon water with me. surprisingly i didn't crave much of anything but grateful i had the water to drink. didn't finish the bottle till i got home. i began getting really hungry around 5pm. everything that was out in the kitchen i felt a knee kick draw to nibble one. do i knibble that much unconsciously or is this draw to the foods heighten because i am hungry or habitually hungry? around 5:30pm i began to think i'll have a cup of miso soup to hold me over till tomorrow. but the thought of doing that didn't feel right - as i would not be sticking to the program and that could affect the benefits and i'm trying within my comfort level achieve all the benefits i can from this 7 days of fasting. well i made it. by 8:30pm i was so sleepy if i fell asleep on the couch w/chris. went to bed only to lay with zuzu at her new crate for about 90 minutes slipping in and out of sleep. she is a good distraction for me on many levels. :) but i did achieve the two days of fasting with water, tea, and lemon water. yay for me. tomorrow i can drink fruit smoothie and eat fruits, veggies, rice, and miso.

Detox: Day One

12:45pm
I woke this morning with ease after a late night celebrating NY Eve with my husband. We stayed home, found a free online karaoke site and sang our hearts out till 3:00am. To my surprise I slept peacefully till 10:00 am.

My eyes catch the glass of water that awaits me. My first glass to consume before I do anything - I greet it with a smile.

I plan today and tomorrow to be extremely low key days. I can only imagine the challenges I will have and I've prepared for them the best I can. The unknown challenges will test my mental strength.

As I'm here typing this and drinking my herbal tea, my husband sits across eating eggs and bacon. It smells good and yes, I do want to reach over and take a bite. But I can have the eggs next Friday, I tell myself. :)

I'm watching an 18 hour marathon of 2001-2008 World Champion Triathlons. It's motivating, no matter where one is on the physical scale. Of late, I'm not much of a TV viewer so this may sound naive, but what I never noticed is how many food commercials there are and the power of suggestion the is delivered.

My current experience: slight headache, sleepy (contribute to late night), and hungry (which I understand will subside slightly thru-out the day).

Nature Nurtures Me

I look at this photo and my eyes smile, my face smiles, my heart wells up and I feel the love. I allow the love of nature; I open to nature.

When I was picking these figs from our tree just outside our back door, I felt peace, patience looking for a ripe fig, and gratitude that nature provides.

Nature has never let me down. Truly. It's there for a purpose, obviously, but I often don't take the time to listen to it's purpose.

Last weekend at a fall yoga retreat, we were guided and encourage through our morning yoga practice to listen to our intuition. We took a brake from the asanas and took a walk with questions given to us to answer upon our return.

Time to Think

Yes I have. I've been on my back the most part of the last 4 days. With an injured SI joint, there isn't much one can do that doesn't trigger the severe shooting pain so horizontal becomes the preferred position to avoid the pain. Yet, it is also the most limited. One can't quite knit or surf the net when on the back. Also, I've discovered the arms are not developed to hold a book above your head for long period of times. So what is left is mindless tv or think. I've been choosing the later.

So after a day or two of mind chatter I've been getting down to the nitty gritty of 'me'. The me that I subconsciously avoid by keeping myself busy with projects related to our home.

A few Ah Ha's came forth this past few days. I don't recall the order but certainly remember the sensation when the came to me. I liked the idea of having an answer for my behavior yet I noticed how I wasn't trying to stick with it either; as it could disappear and I wouldn't try to pull it back. However, I didn't so I can now share.
How do I know I am enough?
How hard should I work to prove to everyone (but really myself) that my worth is worthy?
Is taking a day off from home projects when no one is home, aside from being ill, indicate that I am lazy?
I don't want anyone to think I lazy and yet I work myself to injury to prove that I am not and who's really paying for it?
And one of the important questions is - who am I doing all this 'work' for?

So one of the conclusions I came up with, and please don't judge me or laugh because I'm merely sharing the truth, is I felt if I didn't work very hard at home after work and on my day offs my husband would think I'm not contributing. Now I'll share with you that 1) he has never expressed the and 2) he will never expect it. He just isn't the kind of man that would marry a lazy woman.
And then it's the 'work my but off at work' so I look worthy to keep because if I don't work hard then they will fire me. And again, that's an expectation I put on myself.
In theory, I pull my load and a bit more because it feels good but there is an underlying fear that if I don't ... pink slip comes my way.
Again, in theory, these are silly thoughts because they are not true. It's all been developed in my own mind; my mind of trying to feel enough.

My dear friend wrote on her blog recently about her concerns with AM I Enough. Someone comment for her to read from:
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/12840.html

I just about cried with relief. For that moment I realize that my dear friend and I are not alone and we have many reasons to believe in what we are doing, what every it is on the large picture or daily doings, we are enough. We contribute in many layers and it's so important to remember that.

So with that - I will remember that when I feel inadequate, I will remember that I wrote to this blog with belief that I AM Enough!

Be well

for me or for you

yeah, that what i say. am i writing this for you, the reader or for me. a few days ago it occurred to me that i often wrote in my journals and other sources for the reader, with hopes that the reader would approve of me. i'm looking for approval from 1) folks that i may never, well most likely never, meet, 2) people in my life that if they did come across this would wonder 'who' i am, and 3) myself; which is absurd since i don't like the outcome of such behavior.
So ... a few mornings ago as i laid in bed looking out the window, it occurred to me that i must return to writing and the writing is about me with the feelings i experience at the moment; or at the least be truthful on the subject of actuality and not assuming what i think the reader wants to read. now that i've confused myself with the above explanation, i made a promise to myself on few items i want to improve on. i do realize that this list will evolve as i evolve with life:

- to be truthful to myself
- take a deep breath before making a decision or comment
- be responsive to my inner voice

these feel strong to me; i like the meaning each have and what they will bring in the sense of experience.

yay! i just smiled with myself and a little excited about this step forward. the step forward to loving myself.

- palms together

It's all Good ... Right?

this morning i lay in bed looking out the window, as i always do in the morning. the sky is clear and i see the dark outline of the trees against the dawn sky. my grams comes to mind, who passed in march 08, and i ask her if i'm doing good. are you proud of me? i smile to the sky thinking of her and remembering of christmas days and our long phone conversations during her last years. the i begin to doubt if i even can respectfully miss her. was i the grand daughter that gave her the respect and attention that now can be considered a grand daughter to be missed. what kind of question is this?" i ask myself. that is the self doubt i struggle with on so much of my daily life. it interfers with my success of life, my interactions with friends, family, and neighbors. it qualms my ability to speak my mind, what's on my mind, and the ability to explain myself. my self doubt squashes me.
grams, i'm riding my mt bike today on a new cross course i haven't ridden before. i'm nervous that i'll fall but more importantly, i'm concern i won't do well. and in who's eyes for the sake of peace. i'm riding for me and i know this when it comes down to it all ... not for anyone else but me. so today grams, i'm riding for you and me to share with you that i'm taking a step to make it about me and not for the approval of others.

Seasonal Blues?

How do I know that what I know is really what I know?
I've been having some serious self doubt lately. I'm familiar with this sensation and have begun to recognize this is seasonal. Nonetheless, it's very real and I'm not enjoying it. However, I am trying a new approach. I am taking a risk and writing to a dear friend of mine. I am sharing the true colors that I am feeling, behaving, and believing. All the while understand (and learning to embrace) this is the process I must take. The good news I just now recognized is my loathing behavior that started about 90 minutes ago (that included some deep sobbing and feeling of shame) has lifted a bit. Wow. An improvement on some sense of covering. Goes to show when I meet it and accept it, it can move forward vs staying stag net.
The word 'Pleasure' has giving me some grief this week. It's a discomforting word to me at this time. Layers of guilt wraps itself around the word of pleasure making it difficult to see what is truly the possible experience.
More on this later. Off to hitting my mat and cushion.
Namaste!

This blog will hold my journal thoughts

that i want to share with others with hope to connect with like minded individuals. I am in search for comfort of who I am, what I've already experienced and cannot change, and to embrace what life will offer me without doubt but only with faith, trust, and unconditional love.