And then this ... luck ...

I think not!  The end of the paragraph below I highlighted what resonated with me.

New Moon is Wednesday, November 11th at 10:47AM MST Dear Friends, Watch for cranky irritation around any pressure you feel from others, yourself or your environment. Take a moment around this new moon for yourself and focus on something that needs completion. Cranky energy can always be transformed into a fiery inspiration that fuels action. Be physically active today and do something physical that expands your space, clears something out and provides you with an opportunity to take action towards something you desire. Blessings, Lena ASTROLOGICAL NOTES: Written by Patricia Liles. Contact her at PATLILES@aol.com Scorpio New Moon Sun and Moon in Scorpio ~ 19º Wednesday, November 11, 10:47 AM Mountain Time (November 11, 5:47 PM Greenwich Mean Time) Scorpio New Moon aligns and awakens us to the cycle of the great Mysteries. Scorpio holds the power of the water element with its emotionally penetrating receptivity and capacity for depth and magnetism; it doesn’t get more feminine than this. The mysteries of birth, death, deep inner transformation, sexuality, and our power held in shadow as yet unconscious to us are all represented by this Scorpionic Moon. The magnificent forms of destruction and creation are Scorpio’s realm. At this new Moon, Mercury is conjunct the Sun and the Moon calling us to examine closely the information and media we are exposing ourselves to, how skillfully we are using our gifts of speech to communicate, how we are perceiving the world through our information-gathering senses. Now is a good time to focus on how our ego voices are communicating within our heads. Is there a tendency to sting yourself like the scorpion with critical self talk? Can you identify where you disempower yourself and others through your thinking and speaking? If you can root out these unconscious mechanisms, you will go a long way to letting more love and power flow through you.

A letter to my Father

I decided to write a letter to my father to release all the negative unhealthy debilitating ties he put upon me and I allowed to live within to this day.  After I wrote this letter.  I read it to my husband to validate to myself this is real.  Then we witnessed burning in the bbq kettle.  I was a little sad but still don't know why.  I was not mad or angry but definitely unattached to him.  I came to terms he did not contribute to my life but only continued to burden it as I allowed.  My father passed many years ago but this process was needed.  After this symbolic process a heavy feeling in my chest dropped lower in my torso.  Ah

Note:  I wrote this as raw as I could and did not proofread.  I did not want to make any changes to tone I had while writing this.

Dear Pops,

I’m writing this letter to you to say I accept the things you control over but did not change.  I accept that you did the best you can.  I accept that you did not know any different.  I accept that you were not willing to ‘share’ conversation.  I accept that you were insecure about who you are.  I accept your insecurities were nurtured and ‘taught’ to your children.  I accept that I lived under those insecurities all my life.  I accept that you made everything into a competition.  I accept that I in your eyes I would never win in fear you would look weak to me.  I accept your approach to disciplining me was cruel.  I accept that you did not explain why I was being disciplined and what I can learn from it.  I accept that perhaps you did not know ourself why you were disciplining me but you just knew you had to.  I accept that you didn’t stand on your own belief when I asked permission to do something; it was always ‘what would our Mom say?’.  I accept you feared Mom.  I accept that when Ken came into our life I was ignored and/or used to boost your ego.  I accept your hour long bathroom trips were crew to the family of 6 living in a one bathroom home.  I accept you never told me you loved me.  Not even on your deathbed.  I accept you thought you were the greatest at everything.  I accept you thought it was important to always tell me you had more friends than me; I could count mine on my hands and you didn’t have enough hands to count yours.  I accept that you did not trust me in ‘your’ garage.  I accept that I would sneak into the garage because you would not lend me an item I needed on my car or bicycle.  I accept that your pride held you back from maintaining full time year round employment; creating continuous years of monetary hardship on the family.  I accept that just getting by is enough.  I accept that you did not find the need to improve yourself, encourage me to improve myself, or contribute to the community without knowing you would be obtaining recognition for your effort.  I accept during a wedding reception you grabbed my breast.  And then denied it.  And again when I brought it up to discuss it.  Pig.

I accept that you did try to find love in yourself and you thought if you walk the effort it is the same.  I accept your attempt to tell me you love me but didn’t really mean it.  You were just scared to be alone.  I accept that you were a loner and was not interested in spending anytime with me that involved listening to my side of the conversation and I mean listen.  You had the time being home most of the time but did not participating in my athletic side of my childhood.  I accept you did watch any of my year round games or track meets for the three years I was at Southwood.  I accept that I was able to disconnect any hope, feelings, wish, wants, or connection with you when I trusted that I did all that I could do.  I accept that on your deathbed you could not look me in the eye.  I accept that you were ok with dying and leave all your physical and monetary responsibility onto your children.  I accept that I do not miss you as a person or soul.  I accept I can remember and only miss the earlier days at Fir Ave in the backyard garden.  I accept those were good times.  I accept that this letter will remove any connection with you on a spiritual level, guilty level, beliefs I unconsciously conjured up, and all the alike.  I let go of all that you put upon me.  I let go all my subconscious beliefs related to your parenting me.  I let go of you.  I let go of all the debilitating, degrading, and dismissing you even put upon me for so many years.  Good bye.  I wipe my hands clean of all of you.  I have no attachment.                11Nov15

But I want it NOW!

So I tell myself this just about every weekend and many week days ....  I tell myself that if I get it completed now it would soooo much easier.   Here is my aha from this afternoon ::

"I want it now because I’m stuck in my own muck. If I get it now I will be out of my muck, caught up, on time, … "
All morning I’ve been struggling with writing an email to my teacher to ask for help. I wanted to explain as briefly as possible the background but concern brief may not be enough. Here is the brief: I was raised in a competitive household. Not the physical one we all may be familiar with but a ‘mental-know it all’ competition. I was always trying to get it right. And if I did there was a reward; not monetary so to speak but certainly recognition. More often than not I didn’t get it right.

This afternoon I’m out planting spring bulbs and pruning the yard. The yard is overdue for pruning and cleanup but what the heck I’m outdoors and listening to wonderful uplifting music. Then the repeated self talk of such ... ‘if I only got out here last weekend and the weekend before there would be less to do this weekend.' Ah - I realize this self talk parallels my situation of feeling stuck. I stand up from gardening, and I realize I’ve been telling myself all my life that I’m never caught up, I’m always behind, I’ll never win.

This is self sabotage talk. And I’ve been competing with myself all this time. And on a subconscious and conscious level telling myself I’ll never get it right so why start OR start but why finish you won’t get it right. By now I’m looking around my yard, so much to accomplish and it will not happen today. And just like my life work and it won’t all be accomplished in a weeklong crash course (a set up to fail). So on paper I broke down my yard in sections and name each one by the touchstone (I have plenty of yard to do this). And like the touchstones, I’ll allow myself to do what I can and what comes to me. And think I won’t touch sections 8-12 till later. Ya Babe!

I’m glad I came to this myself instead of asking for help. Asking for help is no doubt good but this one was meant for me to figure out myself. And I believe that is why I couldn’t pull together an email to Britt.

My true inner voice is always talking to me to do amazing, beautiful, positive, enjoyable, fun, self care, giving, and loving things. I enjoy pondering with delight about the ideas but fear to act on them.

Can you relate? Insights?

Palms Together