Softening

Softening:  make or become less hard; make or become less severe; undermine the resistance;

Ever wonder why the obvious of something isn't obvious?  I do and very often.  I often chuckle at the parallel confusion that if something so simple isn't obvious ... is it simple?  ... is it truly obvious?

Then I thought about the word softening a bit more - and honestly for many years.  My first awareness of the word was during my yoga training classes.  "soften your shoulders"  what!?!  "soften your hips"  how do you do that?  "soften the muscles around you eyes"  oh - that makes sense i can soften around my eyes, my lips, my jaw muscles.

But how about softening ones expectations on oneself.  Originally this post was about my Ah haa finding of softening during yoga poses.  The draft start of this post sat for a bit.  I come back to it to read what I wrote and it's going to take a new direction; just a little though.

What has been in the forefront of my life of late is menopause.  That's right - yes sirree - and i'm not liking it - not at the moment.  I say my first signs over a year ago - night sweats and periodic irregular periods.  I took herbal supplements and adjusted my diet.  All was going pretty well for the time being.

About 5 months ago I was noticing a few more night sweats a week, hot flashes during the afternoon, and insomnia.  About 2 months ago I am feeling depressed and fatigued.  The past month the periods were twice and doubled in length.  Now I am comfortable and can deal with the night sweats, a little insomnia, and hot flashes.  The depression and fatigue is really taking a cruel toll on me.

The past month my mood swings from being happy and content to so sad that I feel lonely.  And the fatigue is consistent that it take great effort to make it through the day.  On my day's off all I want to do is sleep; and I trust that's the combo depression and fatigue.  But I don't because I would feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.  Oh, and let me add that crying is part of the depression roller coaster.

I just can't take this for the next 5-7 years.  How do women feel like going forth for so long in this state?  I don't want to be that or do that or live that .... so today I added another herbal supplement today.  Being it's an herbal it will take 7-21 days before it's fully effective.

The other frustrating sensation I'm experiencing with the depression is I feel like a failure.  Crap!

So why this long explanation about my menopause when the title of this post is Softening?  Well, when I was sitting on my living room floor staring out the window and crying because i was feeling like i won't be able to accomplish anything in this state, let along keep or make friends - out of nowhere the word softening came to me.  And that's when I thought that I can be kinder to myself (though I don't know who self is these days - at least that's what it's feeling like).

When my mood upswings I'll want to think about being kind to myself and soften the words I have about myself - to myself - and for myself.  This will be challenging approach for me as I'm such a hard critic of myself.  If it's come down to being menopause to change that critic - so be it.

Just writing this post is the approach i want to take though i'm in tears right now.   The tears are often uncontrollably by the way.  - interesting, eh?

xo

Abandonment!?!

Either when he leaves for the day or leaves the room for a workout upstairs - my first reaction is 'what is it i'm going to sneak to eat?'
i hate it but i also like the 'control' i feel i have.

really!?!

why is it so hard to accept the fact that i can treat myself kindly and not feel guilty?

for a basic start; here are a few things i would enjoy doing on a daily basis:
yoga at home
walks
eating very well
drinking more tea
reading
exercising
play my ukulele

and on a weekly basis:
home facials
hooking up with a girlfriend
yoga classes
hikes
gardening
dates
hooking up with friends

yet - i avoid it by sitting at the computer, eating junk food, watching tv, attending to non-essential items around the house.

and since the menopause - it's even harder to get motivated.  yet, my mind is daydreaming about all the above activities i'd like to do.

and is it really true i don't do them because i don't feel i deserve it or i am  uncomfortable with the wonderful post sensations?  seem logically silly doesn't it.  but it's a nasty conditioning that i've adopted.  yay!

i don't know ... but i do know that i'm going to get to the bottom of this and begin writing about it.  and i'll share with you now ... this blog is not written by a professional writer by any means.  my grammar and spelling can be awful to those you require proper English writing.

so it just goes to show - that writing about it gets 'it out there' and now i'm motivated to give the P90 a try.  off i go - i heard it will kick my butt.  i certainly hope so and maybe some of this depression too.

palms together for a happier world

the ah ha

sink deeper = into my soul and not so much into my pose on a physical sense.

Who's There?

Ever wonder who's watching you? I really mean the question. I often wonder if someone is watching me walk down the street, driving my car, shopping, and such. It's not a self-centered thought by all means. It's more of a wonder if someone is watching me, people watching, I do enjoy the pass time myself.

We went hiking this past weekend at a near by park. The park is large, in fact it's the largest city park in the nation. As we were hiking through the depths of the lush woods I couldn't stop wondering if someone was watching us.

Last month I read a memoir, "My Abandonment". It's an intriguing read if you are inclined to get a different perspective of the homeless. It was sad in some parts of the story; but what kept me turning the pages was the simple survival the father and daughter took to be success with (or depending how you look at it - against) the societal standards of living. I was also caught up in the 'freedom' the daughter had living away from the chaos of living in the city.

We got off the fire road and hike the trails that are less travelled this time of year because of the 3" muck that is required to sporadically traverse through on these side but marked trails. As we hiked a long I was looking deep into the woods, the ferns, trees, and moss covered rocks for any evidence of "homes" build by the folks who choose to live in the park. All the knowing that I probably won't be able to spot one with my naked eye, let alone while I'm walking along a trail that required me to look down for sure footing. But I found the search exciting and bring back the read that I enjoyed so much.

And then there it was - for at least that what my imagination wanted to believe - bare foot prints in the mud. Chris saw them too. My practical side suggested that the imprint is probably from those new running shoes that are shaped like a bare foot. But you know by now I was going into the story and wondering if it was a teenager or adult foot print. When did they come onto the trail? Where were they going? Will I see them come up the trail? What would I do if I did? It was an exciting 10 minutes or so. I kept looking and looking for clues but knew that I probably wouldn't find much due to the weather and the precautionary measures the folks take to leave no trace.

And then this hike, this 120 minute experience, took me to myself. What do I do too escape the city chaos? Where is my freedom - and the obvious one that American have - but freedom from expectations i put upon myself that lead me to a stall because i don't know where to begin due to the vast of the task. Then i begun asking myself if I'm looking for an escape? Is that how I view the families in the park - escaping the chaos, system, responsibilities, self, etc. I do believe some of the folks in such the situation did not choose it but is surviving until they can turn 'it' around. But do they believe in the system that isn't always there for us. Pondering thoughts.

I'm listening to music while writing this and I would miss listening to music if my life turns to living in a park or streets.

I have shared with only a few folks in my life that I could trust and wouldn't laugh at me but understands my heart - I daydream how I would take in a homeless person to help and assist them with turning their life around. (not going to happen b/c it freaks my husband when i even 'chat' about it) one person at a time - but then my intuition asks me - how would you know who to trust, which person really wants the transformation and improve their life? volunteering is a good way to go with this idea - safer for me -

this is a rambling day for certain.

I am grateful for our little abode and how we gradually simplify our life to our day to day living. Less stuff - less to worry - less to handle physically and mentally - less clutter - more quality - more time - more room - more abundance - more freedom.

ah - freedom; the word freedom rose from thinking.  perhaps i will find it before i know it.

Namaste

2011 Begins

It's January 4th and I'm sitting here at 12noon, still in my pj's and need to admit - pouting a bit. I'm feel the pull of the seasonal depression. i'm so familiar with this and i sit with it all the while looking online for the 'quick fix' to loss 10 pounds. it's very silly behavior and i've been here before - but this i'm not fooled into signing up because i know in my hearts of hearts i can loss the 10 pounds with the knowledge i've collected over the last three years. also, i need to take the credit of this for my own self happiness.

so, i've come to terms that I've gained 10 pounds in the last month; and i feel a bit shamed I let myself go - eating the foods that taste so delicious yet not kind to my body or soul.

and the trick that my mind is playing on me now is it's telling me i'll be depriving myself when i go back to my healthy lifestyle of before. my ego really knows how to f#$& with me.

so after i wasted much of my morning surfing the net for the 'quick fix', i posted on facebook if anyone wants to join me; not much in the sense of interest. so i feel further alone. whaaay!

i do know what to do yet i struggle to get my tuckess in gear - why do i fear the 'good for me' when i'm alone? i have guilt when i do anything for me - but never when i clean house, work on the house, or run errands. and here lies the culprit of the sadness, i guess.

this year my word that came to me on new years morning was health. ironic, eh?

i shared with my love of my life that i would like to achieve comfort with doing what 'i' like to do with the affirmation of others. but with hopes others would be inclined to join me. i fear of being alone i guess - more than i'm. hence, why i posted to f.b., and why i get envious when my friend is teaching classes i would like to but haven't b/c of the fear of created, the shame i came to believe b/c i let so much time pass - now it's 'too late'. sounds silly in my head and even sillier on the screen.

just back from a 30 min, walk/jog with my dog, Zuzu. and i was originally going to delete the above but decided to share what getting out and 'clearing my head' can do to me. i'm in a better spirits. during my walk/run i heard a few of my favorite women reminding me; mom - exercise is your therapy, your anti-depression medication. rebecca - you know your stuff - get out there and find someone to join you; i'd be there right now if i could. and a few others that i know would say: you are being so hard on yourself - sounds like a bad day-only today. another: where are you on your cycle?

they are all so true and currently equal. so i take my mood, wait, i took my mood - ran some of it off, and reduced the sadness; found the heart of the day and will do what i can with the remaining time. and i will complete what is important to me - not the silly society expectations i created upon myself today - and be done with it.

thank you dear spirit for leading me. and i thank myself for listening.

tomorrow i'll share more on my sights for this year.

in light and love